Should I be sorry for what I dreamt?

Some dreams are like re-runs. They play a plot in your head that you've already seen before. And depending on whether you liked them last time, or whether you finished it last time or not, you may decide to stick around and 'watch' that dream again. I had a similar dream a few days ago, one of my last nights in Canada.

I don't know why but it felt like I have been a part of this plot before. Either I did not know how it ended or I was just enjoying it a little too much; hence, I stuck around. It ended with somebody getting shot. I, without even thinking about it for a second, 'walked out' of the 'theatre'. Was it my conscience that had just died? How could I not feel anything for a person that had just died? For the person I probably killed? Twice?

I don't want to 'live to Die another day'

The other day, with Natansh, I had a really amazing one and a half hour of playing squash. And this is what I thought up then. Just didn't get around to posting it earlier.

I had won 4 of the 6 games that we played. I was on fire that day! Although the fact that Natansh's a fairly new player, does contribute to my victories. Anyways, the exercise was good and I was very tired. We walked back, and I thought to myself, I would happily die playing squash. And it stuck. Eventually, like I always do, I end up overthinking such things in my daydreaming mode. And thus openeth the Pandora's box.

The key here, is I would readily die, if I do so, 'happily'. I would happily die drawing. I would happily die eating. I would happily die cycling. I would happily die out in the cold. See, the concept of dying seems really appealing to me right now. Just for debate's sake, lets think if my grandfather's passing away had anything to do with it. I mean, I definitely wasn't super sad about him passing away or anything. So passing away isn't a big deal. I'm definitely no suicidal. Right after this, and before the picture here, I decided I couldn't die unhappy and sad.
by yashrg

But there's nothing I'm looking forward to the next day. Therefore if there Was no tomorrow for me, I wouldn't mind it at all. That's what I have always been like.. living in the moment. Thinking of immediate gains before long term benefits. Rather 'acting' with immediate as opposed to long term benefits in mind. And my next act would now be, to go to sleep. Couldn't care less for tomorrow.

More importantly, I don't want to live to see another day, another moment of misery. I don't know why or how, but I will often suddenly get really depressed. In class on a particular monday, I thought about my age for merely a second and I felt this deep remorse for my life thus far. And I am more afraid to see me in that state than to see myself dead. My life was happy, I didn't regret my decisions, and I believed something good is just around the corner. I just don't see that anymore.

BTW, This is not the first time I've discussed dying. Follow the tag 'death'...

Grandfather's Mansion

Its been so long since my last blog post that I myself have forgotten what I last talked about. So I'm just going to start with last night's dream.

I dreamt that I was standing in a room that had a lot of its original furnishings removed. I could tell by looking at the size and cleanliness of the room that it was an old style mansion of a rich person. I was talking to an elder lady who could have been my aunt. I was curious about something I saw...On the floor where a bed used to be, there was a trap door.

My grandfather's house, or 'haveli' as I like to call it, the house I was born into, had something similar. There was the staircase outside, that was used by everyone to get upstairs. And then there was the staircase that led from inside of the ground floor to the bedroom upstairs where my parents and I slept. It wasn't a hidden or trap door, it was a pretty well built flight of stairs. But it didn't have any source of light except the door that opened into my room. So as a kid, it was kinda adventurous or even scary to go through. Still, I used to love that route to sneak in and out of parents' sight.

So I believe that's where I was in my dream. Sure the dream doesn't render everything exactly as you remember it, it embellishes a few things. And my Grandfather's house was demolished a few years ago. So in the dream, I must have been there right before that house was about to be demolished. Talking about why the trap doors were made and why you don't see them in new houses... I would love to have trap doors like that or secret passages in my home. They provide a safe/secret exit in case of danger. Kinda like the Batman penthouse in 'The dark Knight'.

I never saw that old house being demolished. I was in pune when I heard from family that the old house is being brought down. Leaves me thinking about why, in my dream, I wanted to go there. I think the significance of this dream is that I am still looking for a way out. I can't let other people know, or I am afraid to admit it, but I want to sneak out. And in a way it's true. I have been wanting to somehow screw up so bad that my parents have no choice but to bring me back.

Addition:
In other relevant news, my grandfather passed away 26th october in his sleep. It was just 5 am IST when I got the news. I loved my grandfather. Much more than my grandma. I had so much fun with him when I was young. He brought me a lot of joy.

I had heard this somewhere, the Egyptians believe when one dies and goes to heaven, the gods ask the person two questions before they let him into heaven. "Did you find joy in your life? and Have you brought joy to others." And I would just like to tell my Grandpa that the answer to the second question is yes!

Oh the dreams just never stop!

This one's got to win the award for the most detailed, themed, story'd dream ever! I am still amazed at the whole plot of the dream, and the details that I still remember about 5 hours since I actually saw it! It was like I was watching a movie! And even though I woke up once in between, I went back to sleep to try and finish it. But then it was getting late for college...

Allright, it starts out in a school/college campus ground, which is not very big, trees are almost everywhere, so its nice and shady. A lot of benches etc are present for students to sit. I am sitting alone, as usual, and I suddenly get a call. I pick it up, and the 'camera' zooms out, pans to a doorway, and zooms in again on the three girls who are coming out. One of them is wearing a school uniform looking dress, and she's on her cellphone, and talking away really fast, in HINDI! I hear on the other end, 

"अभी शूटिंग के लिए जा राहे हैं. बहार गेट पे मिलो" Meaning "we are going for the shoot NOW! Meet us at the gate" 

"What? who are you? how come u speak hindi?" This surprised reaction from me means I was not in India I guess... And then I look around, and see her, walking out with two other girls I know. She just hangs up her cellphone, doesn't respond to my question.

Next, we cut to a jeep, driving down really fast down a road that is surrounded by really dense trees and foliage. I guess we were in some jungle, and far away from civilization. The driver is going wild. and nobody is wearing the seatbelt. Infact, they are not even sitting.! 

I don't know.. dancing maybe?

And as the jeep takes a sharp turn, me, and few others fall due to the centrifugal force/inertia (whichever applies)... And we roll into the bushes. We stand up, and try to call out, but I guess the driver is too drunk to notice..

Maybe he didn't realize, or he just didn't care. Another mystery.

We start walking, and eventually end up going into a really big building that we spotted. It looks like ruins of an old institute. We walk in, and we are captured by a teacher(?) who is really manic and scary. He puts us in a room with a few other people. We talk to them about where this place is, what's going on, and all we could find out was that there's something worth 'capturing' behind the wall on the right. Now is when I realized I or one of us, had fallen with our camera and we still had it. 

I remember laura talking to me. Even she knew hindi! What? this is really weird! I could never remember when we spoke in a particular language in a dream before! I think she was saying we need to record all this on film, with our camera so that we can show this to someone if we ever get out of here. And that she believed in the thing we had heard about the wall, and what was behind it.

We try to tap on the wall, or communicate, take video of the wall, when we can....when the scary teacher ghost or zombie wasn't around. I guess it didn't take him long to figure out we were up to something. And the next time we were trying to make a hole in the wall or find a way to get through to the other side, something really weird happened!

The wall went all translucent, like it was a cloth, and there was a huge light shining on the other side! We saw a silhouette of the teacher monster, and all of a sudden, he comes into the room, right through the wall, and his face is all bloody! I fall down backwards, and he comes really close to me, gives me a serious stare, and starts laughing evil-ly. I can tell, I was pretty scared.(In the dream) I would imagine he killed or ate whatever there was behind that wall that could have helped us!

Now we had no hope left.

Dying note.

If anyone of you guys actually ends up at my funeral, maybe because someone else dragged you there, or you wanted to eat the free food, or maybe you just got lost and ended up at the shamshaan, I would appreciate if you go ahead and read this out to the people(if any) assembled there. I know you'll first have to convince them that it won't take long so you'd say something like 'This will only take 5 minutes so you can still get to the 'thank god he's finally dead!' party in time.'

GET OFF THE TUBE! I CAN'T BREATHE!

Hehe, no, (insert your name here) wasn't really standing on my oxygen pipe or anything, that ws just because I wanted to make you all laugh at my funeral. I could never imagine my funeral being a really sad and depressing event. I always Imagined my death would be some really bizzare and funny incident that people would love to share at parties or gatherings. Like for example, "So, that moron started chasing the bus, shouting 'wait for me!!!' The bus driver notices him, and stops, starts backing up the bus, and runs him over! Just like that really funny movie I watched! ha ha ha ha! ha ha ha ha!"

And that's why, you can be sure that when... (go through options a to d and read the one that suits best)

a) I fell to the ground from the 10th floor in attempt to fly,
b) I died of morbid obesity after eating a LOT of green vegetables,
c) I was squashed by the cow that fell on me,
d) I was killed by a goomba,

my last wish has been fulfilled and I will rest in peace. So you don't need to go around performing stupid rituals for my wellbeing in the afterlife. Also, nobody needs to worry about me haunting or stalking them as ghosts, I believe I have better things to do.

And yeah, all the people I owe money to, 'fuck off!'

Everybody that's left(I doubt there's any by this point...) thank you for staying with me. Bye bye now. Have a great day, great week, great month and a awesome great life. See you when the time's right.

And that's all folks!

the death of yash gupta

Its not the first time I'm doing a death theme blog entry, I've done so in the past too. That one was like my unofficial will in case I died of bird flu, but this one is inspired from the south park episode eric cartman. So if you haven't seen it, you might as well skip this(now that I know sumit wont be reading this,I can write whatever I want to say about him)

Case 1: I would send smses to many of my friends but out of them, pranav was the one whom I sent most often. He replied to me initially, but slowly, it went from less often to almost never. Like .5% of the times. Now as you know, eric cartman's friends want to get rid of him for eating all the chicken skin. So they decide to start ignoring him because even when they're not nice to him, he thrives on their ripping on him. And thats the kind of thing pranav's doin with me, my messages. Even if he'd flick me off its ok, I can live with that.

Case 2: When sumit gets annoyed, he just stops talking. He is just so good at ignoring me. And even dying or being dead cant hurt as much as that does. He could beat me lifeless and that wouldn't hurt as much as it does when he doesnt talk to me. But it always seems like I bring his wrath upon me. No one knows how many times I've resolved to try and be more tolerable around him but that just seems impossible for me. Guess would be just best for everyone if I really died.

now they're both gone

There's no electricity in the house and not a spark of life in the kitten. Now Div's trying to keep it in. But i think Div's already cried her share when the black kitten was hurt..

Its my turn to mourn..to pay that cute kitten tribute. In my own way- my blog. Some people have told me a gifted writer but now they have been proved wrong(no offence guys) because I dont have any words to describe this strong emotion I'm feeling right now. Luckily, I haven't had to encounter the death of someone very close to me till date..(its usually been someone of someone's someone) Now I know better how they felt. I'm thinking to keep this short so i'll stop.

I'd love to hear from you, please leave a comment if u will.

sent frm my E60

If I die after eating chicken...

Yesterday, I had delicious tandoori chicken and chicken biryani from "blue nile"for dinner. The meal was wholesome and I totally stuffed myself. Not for one moment did I think that I might catch bird flu because I know that bird flu hasnt spread in pune and bird flu virus cannot survive at tempratures above 70 degrees.
So I was totally cool with it but tauji wasnt. I think all adults have a habit of over reacting. He was furious that we had chicken. He wanted us to "stay safe" and dont eat chicken for 10-15 days.
I however hadnt had chicken for a long time now...because I was in akola....I dont eat chicken in Akola. Not like I`m afraid my parents would find out or anything like that...my parents know I eat non-veg. Its just that I dont trust the hygene there...forget bird flu, I`m afraid I might catch a regular/common/normal disease if i eat at those places..
But still, I was scared when in the afternoon, my stomach went all upset and I felt Diarreah had hit me for some reason...It could be because i hadnt had chicken for a long time, my stomach couldnt cope with the stomachfull amount all of a sudden...
But now I`m fine, but I`d still like to say what I had thought of(albeit as a joke...never really believed i was gonna die)

If I die, give my laptop to Harsh

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