The one that fits

There are plenty of fish in the sea, right? Oh god! Why did I have to start with this terrible cliché? Okay, how about just this: You go to a mall to buy clothes, there are so many options to choose from. The experience, the price and the result, they all depend on what one wants.

One may go in at leisure, or enter with a mission. It can be routine, or an adventure. It can be painful or pleasant. All depends on one's temperament and attitude. Knowledge and experience will also decide whether you regret or cherish the decisions you make.

So, there are tops, bottoms, too big, too small, too fitting, too loose. They can be flamboyant or subdued, high maintenance or tough. And they all have a price. Walking into a store, you always have an idea how much you're going to be spending. The reputation of certain stores precedes themselves. Whereas with others, it is based on personal experience. Having prior experience will also mean that you will have better luck finding something you like.

So lets say one day I decide that I want to go shop. I was not clear what I wanted. I hear about a mall that has all these stores. Among which are some of my favourites, where I have shopped before, and would go again and again. But when I am there, I realize that more of the same thing is not making me happy anymore. I don't get that tingly feeling I did the first time around. Also, I remember the price I had first paid. A realization dawns upon me that I wouldn't want to pay the same price again. I walk out, disappointed. Thinking that its just not a good shopping day.

Now I'm tasting the waters of other stores. Places I've never been to. Merchandise and brands I have no personal experience with. I've only heard things about them. About the lifestyles of those who go to those stores, buy these things. I understand that they come with a responsibility. And like I said before, everything has a price. My mind's already made up thinking that I'm not going to like anything. But that doesn't mean I can't go in, smell them, try them on, violate them with my bodily secretion and walk out.

However, nothing in most of the stores entices me to even go beyond gawking, touching. Because most of them had signage that shouted out "Tough luck, buddy!" Either they were just not the right fit for me or the asking price was too much. I walk by them like I do with filthy beggars on the streets of Akola.  Stopping only to make a face at something I find revolting and ghastly. Revoltingly ghastly. Also, I am never attracted to the merchandise that is put up on a podium, or on the mannequin. I do not like much fanfare. Must have something to do with the introvert in me.

Then, just as I had given up hope of meeting that one perfect fit, someone called out to me. I was lovestruck. Here I was in a place I didn't even know existed until a little while ago, but I felt like this was my own domain. The surroundings faded into oblivion. I reached out. I was welcomed with a tender caress. This was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen! And I slipped right in. It was just my size. I didn't worry about whether it will keep me warm enough, whether it will last with me forever. But I knew no matter what, I would never let it go once it is mine. Being held in its arms, I forgot the most important thing. They all have a price.

A heartbreak.

I realized that I cannot afford to take this beautiful thing home. Not at this point in life. I couldn't pay the price. And I couldn't ask others to make sacrifices for me because I want this. Because they will say it is irrational; It doesn't make any sense; And that it is not what I need. It is not practical, it will never last und so weiter.

So I walk out. I break hearts. Not just mine, but of the one that called out to me. That love at first sight. I can say "I promise I will be back." But I would be lying. Even if I did believe I would come back for it, it might not still be there for me. Someone else might have snatched it up. And I think that would be for the best. I might never love another, but I hope it can. And I hope it finds someone good. Even though I know nobody else could possibly love it like I did, I wish that it lives a long and happy life in the hands of the other man.

The possibilities are endless

e-crushes are so silly. Right? They're lame and are for losers. Can you imagine telling that 'how did you guys meet' story? Heh pathetic, right? My fat friend had two of them over the course of less than one year. I just want to yell at him, how gullible are you, dude! Well, in his defence, he is just 19. Or 20.

In my defence, my first e-crush and I had known each other outside the world wide web for about 5 months and were just 19-20 too when the e-crushing started. We would constantly talk to each other over skype halfway across the globe. And when we met the following summer, we dated. (uh oh. I just realized my dad might read this… he never knew we were more than just friends) it was the best summer I had!

But who woulda thunk two years later at 22 I would fucking ecrush on someone again! Yes I am that gullible and I am a looser by my own definition. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I love being a loser and I love the loser, who I know has a crush on me too.

But couple of days ago I was told "my friends think that I am rushing into crushing on you” And I spent a whole day thinking about that conversation. When the thinking drove me nuts, I started working on a digital painting that I knew would be a herculean task to complete. When I realized that my right arm is hurting from the countless hours of painting, I kept myself awake with a book.

Next morning I tried in vain to get myself to bring up that topic again. But couldn’t. If I did I would have said “your friends were probably right…” I am glad I didn’t because I would have ruined the best thing that happened to me in a long time! And I like living with hope that anything can happen, and keeping my options open.

The possibilities are endless.