Saturday, August 30, 2008

Why I gave it back

I chickened out yet again. I was feeling so ready to say to Pranav what I 'had to' when I returned his gift. This was the last time I was seeing him in person and even though I would have wanted to make this as pleasant as possible, I had other priorities. Doing the right thing. Which was, returning his lavish expensive gift. I ended up saying I was returning it because I had too much luggage and was going over my weight limit and couldn't possibly carry it to canada.

Here's the speech I had rehearsed:
"Pranav, you're my best friend, but I'm not yours. You don't call or write. So don't buy me expensive gifts that don't mean a thing and think every-thing's going to be ok. What would mean something, is if you start treating me like a friend. Call me sometime, ask me how I am doing. Answer the phone when I call, calm me down when I'm worrying. Even half the time I try to call you, you're not available. You weren't there when I needed you."

Why did you have to make it be like this? Last time I left, we were happily talking and communicating. This time, You wouldn't pick up your phone or call back not even replying to my text message. Do you have any idea how hard that is? You always seem to put yourself first. Doing what you feel is ok for you even if I can't bear it one bit.

There really is no end to this, I can go on and on about this forever. But doesn't mean amount to anything if Pranav isn't told this.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

This brain does not forget

What timing! The dream couldn't have come to me at a more appropriate time. I was supposed to leave for nagpur where I'd get the chance to meet my little sister, family and some old friends from school days. I was up till late the previous night packing. I hadn't finished packing, so I couldn't head for nagpur first thing in the morning like I had hoped.

The early morning dream started with me walking into a classroom like place. Everyone was in a uniform. As my surroundings start to sink in, I realize that there's one face that I recognize from a long time ago. However, he looked much older.. his hair was even turning grey. I realized the name as being vikrant, a classmate of mine. Yeah, this class was full of grown ups. Even I wasn't a kid. weird huh?

As I am walking towards my seat, I notice another face. Even he was looking back at me and smiling. I couldn't initially recognize the face. I thought this guy's name was mangesh. But I later realized that this guy, who now had a thick 5 am shadow was jitendra yadav. He was a good friend from 5th to 8th standard.

I don't remember much of what happened next. But after I woke up, I was in a state of disbelief at what I just saw. How could the brain have pulled this one off? I hadn't seen these faces in years. And for the subconscious to recreate them, with the signs of aging is simply unbelievable. I just wish I could see all of them again once for real. Rohin, Rahul and Farheen, we will meet, someday.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Mount carmel School Akola

Today I went back to my old school. This morning, I woke up at my uncle's house and went to drop my niece Sanika to school. She's just in nursery. I had never been to her class but Sonu didi said she'll tell me which class is hers. Sanika got on the activa and stood in front, (the floor on the moped) holding on to the handle. I hoped my knees would guard her against falling.

It was a pretty short ride, and we arrived safely amidst all the rush hour traffic. As we got down, I realised I still hadn't tied my shoe laces. I tied them up, and asked sanika if she wanted me to pick her up. She says, "NO! All the other kids are walking." I say ok, but lets go fast, you're getting late. And we started to walk. I told her to hold my hand so that we'd be walking at the same pace and she wouldn't get lost. But she was walking so slowly, looking around, that I decided to pick her up eventually. She is never in the mood to go to school I had heard. She always has a swollen face in the morning when walking to school.

As I was walking, the school bell rang. I didn't pay much attention to it, but sanika was alert. She says, "The bell just went off." I reply, "so should I hurry?" I quicken my pace. As I am getting closer, I ask her to point in the direction of her classroom. She points to 'Nursery A'. I put her on the ground and she's already forgotten I exist. She quietly walks and puts her water bottle down, goes in the class, and wishes the teacher Good Morning. Doesn't even look back for a second. I observe her from the window for a bit and walk back home. I spotted my other niece Twinkle sitting in the assembly ground on the way back, and wave. She waves back.

At 10:30 Purva, Monu didi and I, all three of us went to pick her up. We had another motive. To eat the famous bhel we all used to love when we were in school. First, we went to her class. Monu didi told us she'd be sitting with the same swollen face waiting to be picked up. But she was happily eating from her lunch box. When she saw us, she packed it away, and was ready to leave. Monu didi wanted to talk to her teacher, so we waited outside and engaged in small talk with her and another boy who was also waiting for his parents to come pick him up. While returning home, Sanika was overly enthusiastic and was walking no, running ahead of us all.

Once we were out, I heaved a sigh of relief that I made it in and out of the school twice while avoiding encounter with any of my previous teachers. Once outside, I started to look for 'patel bhel wala' and a 'barf ka gola wala' But they weren't there. I guess they'll be here in half hour when the older kids school lets out. We decided to come back then. Oh, I almost forgot, we had to buy Sanika a little something from a hawker. A balloon whistle toy thingy.

It was a bag of mixed feelings going to school, seeing and experiencing what I did. I was excited to see these things after such a long time. I had cried when I saw all these things in the movie Taare zameen par during the song, "mera Jaha". I was overjoyed that I'm finally getting to see that up close and personal again. But there were things that made me think about things more seriously. Almost made me sad.. I am seeing all these other young kids and I can't find a familiar face in any of them. I don't know anyone of them. The only people I can recognize are the vendors, the hawkers,etc. The guy who pumped air in my cycle tyres so many years ago is still there doing the same thing while I have upgraded from a cycle to a car. Kids have grown and moved from akola to pune, even overseas. But these guys are still at the same place.

After the older kid's school was over, at 11 am, me and Purva decided to go have a barf ka gola, and get the bhel packed so all three of us could eat it together at home. By now the hawkers had come as the older kids have more money to spend than the younger ones and they do much better business now. I had a gola with the red and green syrup on it like I used to love while Purva got one with 'kala khatta.' The price this time was 3 rupees. I remember when it only used to be 50 paisa. While eating and talking about school days, she spotted Twinkle. She went and called her, Arjun was there too. We talked for a bit before they had to leave. Then we got the bhel and returned home.

I entered the house jumping with joy and announced "I had a 'gola' today!" hehe.. Then it was time to eat the bhel. We all knew it was going to be really hot. The green chutney that he adds to the bhel is killer! And we still loved it. We ate it so much that our tongues were kinda used to it. But this time, it was going to be much harder. Still, All three of us finished it in one go. It was as if we were dared to eat the whole thing on a game show or something. LOL. After it was all done, we guzzled down cola and water like crazy. And we were laughing and joking about it. No regrets.

Even when my stomach wasn't feeling so great in the afternoon, I said to myself, "Totally worth it."

Thursday, August 21, 2008

A little too late.

Its been long since I updated my blog. I've been in my shitty hometown akola, with the flakiest internet connection ever. Add to that the power cuts and the fact that there's nobody but my mom around, I try to go out as much as I can. So I'm never at my computer. Well.. that's my excuse.

Today, Mom's gone to my uncle's place next door. I sat down and started examining the gifts Pranav gave me. I was really pissed that he went shopping for those instead of spending time with me. I still don't approve of that but all the anger is gone. I had told him I'd only open it after the next 24 hours we spend together and I intend to stick to my word. But I still get excited looking for some signs in the wrapper and guessing what's in it. The small one I have now come to believe is a cd/dvd. And the larger one is a book. I am even sure its in the landscape format. And I think it might be the marvel book I saw in Landmark. But he couldn't have known I was looking at that book... he wasn't there when I was in the graphic novel/comic section.

Anyways. There is this other incident that I really wanted to share since the moment it happened. It was a few days ago, when I was in pune. I was sitting and drawing at my home in aundh. I got a text from suju, "I'm trying to make a rabbit wear a lion's mask". And a light bulb just flicked on in my head. And I smiled. I texted her back, "You just gave me an idea!" and she replied, "I'd love to see what you've made." And that's the incident how I realised one of the reasons why I love her so much. She has so many ideas in her head that inspire me to do something new. I can think of so many adjectives to describe them. Amusing, top-notch, extraordinary, unique, the list can go on. And I love her encouraging attitude.

And a sad bummer.. I had typed this up in the morning. and just about 15 minutes ago, I discovered the receipt of the gifts Pranav had bought for me in the 'Landmark' Bag. And guess what. I was right about the Marvel Vault book and the discs. Well, I didn't guess which discs they were, but just that they were cds or dvds.. Ya think I might have a career as a detective?

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Myopic and loving it.

I have had to use glasses for distance vision for about two years now. I am shortsighted but not by much. I can go about my business without putting my glasses on. And that's why I forget them so often. Just like the other day when I wasn't wearing my glasses for almost the entire day after getting used to the perfect vision with my glasses.

And I was very pleased with my observations on that day. I was looking out of the same balcony glass doors that I have on numerous occasions before. But today, instead of seeing the distant trees and houses for what they really are, I was seeing something pretty different. What I saw, was fuzzy greens and blues and greys in a fantastic pattern. I could then let my imagination loose and interpret it whichever way I wanted. That was the first time I realized I was cautiously doing that, but I've done that many times before...metaphorically.

I'm talking about everyday events and things I hear, people I meet.. For instance, umm.. lets not take something really extreme... I got it! today, when I was at the checkout at the store, and the cashier said she didn't have 5 rupees change.. I blurred my vision, instead of seeing it as an inconvenience and waste of time, I thought lets make this fun. I refused to take the little chocklate she gave me in place of the money. I said, hmm... lets see.. what can I put back so that the bill amounts in multiples of 10.. I spent some time there talking with her and in the end, walked out with an event to talk about.

Sometimes, seeing things out of focus is more beautiful than seeing it in sharp perfect vision. Not always seeing things for what they really are just helps me get by. And if some people can't let me be, I remove my glasses for them.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Re-puiblishing this?

I last published this entry at about 2:30 am on 9th. I wanted to delete it in the afternoon and did it as soon as I could get internet access again. By night, I wanted to re-publish it but my laptop wouldn't start. I tried installing hp scanner drivers that fucked everything up. I spent all day yesterday trying to fix my computer. Since I don't have the install disk here, doing a clean install was out of the question. I managed to get only very flaky and unreliable functioning of my mac back and so am republishing this entry with the few additions I had in mind.

I haven't been my laughing, carefree self lately. It started on the 4th August I believe. Nobody seemed to notice it thus far and I was glad about the fact that they didn't. But tonight someone pointed it out and made me think about it. Although I kinda miss it, it's not like I am rather unhappy about it. I'm just kind of intrigued that this is happening.

The reason or explanation could have to do with multiple things.

The evening Arjun bhaiya left for gujrat, Jui didi dropped me home. In the car, we talked about a lot of things and I was in a really happy mood when I got out. I think the best part of the conversation, besides getting to hear about Arjun's antics from his 11th grade, was to find out, 'Arjun always said that you two got along really well together when you were younger.'

I went over to Pranav's flat later. And he didn't look happy at all. He despised me. I have had him be all condescending towards me before, but tonight was different. He asked me if I cried.. (Hell no! I don't cry what do you think I am, a 5 year old? I can't even remember the last time I cried.) He asked me if I was angry... Actually, I wasn't feeling anything. I was numb. I felt like Doctor jon Osterman. Completely disconnected from everything. I wanted to get away from it like him in the comic, after the 'Manhattan transfer'; exile myself to mars. Only, my exile was not going to be that quick, I'd have to wait and I'm not going to mars but canada.

Don't even get me started on suju's little psychotherapy game. When I have problems, I deal with them myself instead of going all therapist on others. "And how do you feel about that?" And that's just an after thought to the whole event.. I mean, I wasn't but maybe I should have been angry.. I don't know..

And now we stand alone
The world is lost and blown

I spent the next day being pissed at everything. I had this poster in canada that went, 'have a day..' with pictures of weird smileys saying things like have a lost day, or have a cool day.. I was having an angry day. Gladly, it passed without me or anyone around me getting hurt. And I was back to being as normal as I could be... which is not really saying much. I felt like I was glowing blue and I could see what'll happen in the future.

Is it bright where you are
Have the people changed
Does it make you happy you're so strange

Ah.. again, faced with the dilemma of whether or not to divulge the things I want to say.. I guess I'll not. no. I won't.

The other day I called up Pranav to ask if he wants to come over to my place in Aundh. I ended up sketching by myself. Then I watched How I met your mother and Zohan before I went to bed. Even today, didn't feel like conversing with people. Talked to people on the phone because its easier to fool them. I would have liked to have taken my stuff back home tonight like I had planned.. then I wouldn't have had to go out for dinner with Pranav.

Nayan: Hello bhaiya
Me: Can I talk to aunty?
Aunty: hello
Me: hello aunty, I wanted to talk about the dinner on 12th
A: Yes, I wanted to know what you would like me to cook.
Y: Actually aunty I don't want to come
A: Why?
Y; I.. Its not the food.. I just don't want to come over because... umm..
A: What is it?
Y: I don't get him. He's really strange. I don't think we can...
A: What are you saying? Did you have a fight?
Y: yeah right.. Like that's ever possible. There was definitely no fighting. No fists flying, no yelling, not even any speaking.
A: You didn't talk to him?
Y: this conversation is going nowhere. I really don't want to talk to you.. why am I talking to you?
A: I don't know.. you tell me. I am just a figment of your imagination.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

First time I remember all three dreams so clearly

I have never seen dad ride a motorcycle. But the first of the three dreams I remember from last night, had dad riding the Bullet Machismo 500. I was out with dad somewhere. Looked like an out of the city area. And we were at a highway side food place. After we were done, to my surprise, dad sat down on the enfield on the rider position and asked me to get on as the pillon. So, dad's first time riding a motorcycle, and he's riding this 185Kg 500cc bike on the highway! Lets roll!

But we get into an accident. Nothing serious, But it seemed like the kid who came in front of us, did it on purpose. He wasn't even hurt, but the nearby village people ganged up on us. Dad tried his best to escape, but we were caught. At least we were saved from being beaten up.... or were we? Next thing I remember was waking up in their house.. maybe we were beaten unconscious and then they decided to take care of us.. well, whatever be the case, I ended up talking and making friends with the kid who came in front of the bike.

Moral of the story, ask dad to ride the bullet machismo 500.

It was a noisy, dark and distressed place. I had no idea why I was there but still, I walked along as it was all meant to be. Near the counter, I saw a familiar face hanging out with a can of beer. I had seen her before. At least 4 months ago. I still question the reason for my being here. But for the time I was there, I just need to fit in, and it'll be allright. I walk up to the girl behind the counter and asked her for a beer. She asks me for ID. I remove my wallet and pull out the sheridan college ID card.

So I was in canada? That would explain the girl. I had seen her around the college before. We had even talked on a couple occasions. But I can't remember her name. So I just grab my beer and leave the bar. I was walking around the place, which is not too crowded for a party.. or maybe the hall is really big! Well, that doesn't really matter. The next thing I know is that I am loosing control. Its like my muscles can't respond, do what I want them to do. My vision got weird and I also started having trouble balancing, staying on two legs. Everything was spinning around.

Right now, as I'm typing this, I know it was a dream, but at the time, it felt very real. Like nothing I've ever experienced before. Is this what being drunk feels like? I've never really been drunk. Or was I drunk for real last night? I don't remember. I had to stop what was happening. I had to counter the effect of alcohol in my blood incapacitating me. I tried to think.. food? How about if I have something to eat? I tried to grab some food from the buffet table by myself, but I was too hammered.

Then, I think I passed out.. this part of the dream is really hazy now. But maybe someone got me something to eat when I opened my eyes. Or someone took care of me and got me some food so I didn't pass out. But what doesn't make sense is that there is nobody there who'd do that for me...

The third dream, I can't really relate to. Its not really about me, but about me seeing this little girl working in a restaurant. I just happen to be there when she is explaining that some lesbians bully her, and treat her bad. But she won't run away. She will find other ways to avoid them and continue doing her job.. It all looked a lot like some movie. And it doesn't go any further... so the post ends here.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Sleepover at abhinav's

I watched 'The Mummy Tomb of the Emperor' the other day at E-Square. Mohit was the one because of whom this whole thing was happening. But he cancelled at the last moment. But I had foreseen this. He used to do this very often when I was in fergusson college. That's why I had also asked Pranav, Sujata and Abhinav to come. Pranav couldn't make it because his wrist had swollen when he was working last night making him unable to ride his motorcycle.

The movie was good... OK. A little disappointing because of a couple of things. After the movie, we went to have food at manmeet. It was fun. I had planned to go to Abhinav's place later. So after lunch, Sujata went back home. I wanted to buy her a little something so both of us, stopped at Archies on the way. After looking at a lot of badly made poohs and Garfields, I spotted a cute elephant which was not the least bit scary or deformed. I didn't get it gift wrapped. I had an idea.. I wanted to make it into a mummy. So we decided that we'll take it at abhinav's place and wrap it there.

Riding all the way to nigdi was fun. We reached at about 4:05pm. There was going to be power outage in a short time. I put the camera's battery for charging asap. But it wasn't enough. I wished we had charged it before. We had three hours of no electricity to kill. First, we went out to this beautiful spot close to his house. It overlooked the train track and little hills far far away. I didn't even realize how we managed to spend over two hours there. I could have just stayed there till 7:30 if I wasn't getting kind of cold.

So we spent the rest of the time indoors, listening to music, recording ourselves doing funny voices and stuff. Eventually, it got too dark to record a video with Abhinav's cellphone. Again, I wished I had charged the camcorder. Finally, at 7:30pm power was restored and we rejoiced. But it was not all nice and smooth. The power would go out over and over again for something like 10 minutes and we would have to shut down and restart the system over and over again. Very annoying.

When things got stable, we played smash brothers with his gamepads. It was really fun! I played with mario, kirby, link, some others I can't remember. I could have kept going till my fingers were sore. But I was hungry. I had dinner, .. the beetroot salad was unexpectedly good. After that, we started to watch Batman gotham knight. Really nice animation. And by the end of it, I had to go to sleep. so we went upstairs, and I don't even remember when my head hit the pillow and when I fell asleep.

The next morning, I wanted to leave as early as possible to avoid andy traffic. But I was not destined to leave early. He handed me some breakfast, which I have no idea what it was, but it tasted really good. like upma. I also had a coffee to really wake me up. And in the middle of all this, I had another gaming session. Oh boy! By now I was getting the hang of the game enough to beat abhinav a couple of times. Oh yeah! But I finished my breakfast and had to leave. He drew me a little map while I looked at his comic. This stuff is really cool. I wonder how long it took him.

The ride back was fun as well. I'm just glad nothing went wrong with the bike.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Lying is fun

Alternative blog titles:
Learning, unlearning and relearning to lie
If you don't lie, you die!
You can Lie
Lie your way to happiness
Survival of the fakest
The 7 habits of highly effective liars

Ok, enough already. I don't think I really need to go and type the blog text anymore. You must have guessed what I want to say, just by reading the title. But for the really clueless, Let me spell it out.

Lying is really helpful and fun once you get over the stupid 'guilt' thing. And without much work, you can get so good at it, that its just like blinking your eyes. (I'm talking from experience)

Sunday, August 03, 2008

All that for THIS?

So, things that make me happy...
#1. Right up there on the top of this list, is 'A warm gesture.' Just because it was the first thing that came to my mind when suju asked me this.
#2. Riding my motorcycle as fast as it can go and feel the rustling of the wind.
#3. Doing things that people would second guess.. doubt whether its doable.
#4. Good food. I might not eat much, but I believe in quality over quantity.
#5. Laughing. Be it at comics, television or movies... even myself or the human condition.
#6. Kids.
#7. Listening to good music. Bad music has the exact opposite effect.
#8. The rare times when I take the car for a spin.
#9. Expensive gadgets. well its 100 times better when I actually get to own one.
#10. Remembering the good times.

And that took me 10 minutes. well, 9 minutes and 52 seconds to be exact.

yeah, suju, I ran out of your house without shoes, for this. And the adventure I ended up having, was awesome!

Friday, August 01, 2008

What did this birthday treat cost me?

I was so proud of myself. I was in mumbai on tuesday and got back on
wednesday. I called up pranav, heard he went to college today. He was
even sketching. If me being away from him means that he gets serious
about things that really matter, then I will do it. Besides, I had
perfectly good valid reason for it too. I didn't have a bike.

As I was saying.. I was proud of myself that I could resist calling
and bugging pranav all day yesterday. I was following the 'live and
let live' motto. Today, he happened to spot me online and he messaged
me. I couldn't just ignore him so we talked. Told him we can't meet.
But just like the other day, things worked out so that I can go meet

At her place, she and pranav decided we'd meet for 'yash's birthday
treat.' As fate would have it, pranav and I were finally meeting up on
the day of our second anniversary. I dropped jui didi's activa at
another friend's place and left for fc road with suju. Pranav hadn't
arrived yet so we went to venus. To my surprise, they had liquidtex
acrylic colours the kind we used in canada. The were for like 400
rupees here! Also saw sets of designer's gouache for 1k and 2k. The
more more expensive one by winsor and newton. Bought a blank dvd for
the camcorder.

We had dinner at a maharashtrian place. The food,... Was really good.
But for the love of God, I can't figure out when and why things turned
bitter. Both of them were talking like we're splitting up. Now that I
think about it, I feel pranav hadn't been cheery about anything thus
far. Shit.. He's ruining it.

I don't remember if I mentioned this before, but I have certainly
realized this many times in the past: I will specially want to be
there with pranav when I feel that he's not doing fine by himself. If
he's happy, I don't feel that uncontrollable urge to be around him.
Even when we were having the pastry, he seemed distant. I gave him one
of the snickers and wished him a happy 2year anniversary. I think I
triggered something. He seemed to enjoy reminissing about the first
days of college. I absolutely loved it. This telling of the tale of
how we met should be a tradition.. Specially since I don't have a
romantic story of how I met my girlfriend. Lol.

I'll just say I got extremely lucky that the pastrys at richmonds cost
exactly as much as was left in my wallet. I didn't get to have ice
cream so what! By the time we were done with the story and snickers,
it was already 11. I had argued with suju that she was going to drop
me home, but I was looking forward to going home alone. Her dad was
going to be home tonight and he might not like her coming in so late.
She'll get scolded. Worse still, her privileges revoked. What if she
isn't allowed to come to the movie tomorrow?

Most of all, what do I say to "who dropped you home?"
"at 12 am.."
I should be the one dropping her home, not the other way round. This
is so unbecoming. I'd rather just walk home..


Just heard an awesome song.

I have been reading the graphic novel 'Watchmen' for the last few days. And since then, a lot of things happening around me, seem to sound just like the narrative in the comic oops, graphic novel. I find myself relating to certain characters, and I feel greatly influenced by some. And the song that they used in the trailer of the Watchmen movie, by smashing pumpkins is in my head all the time. Its called 'the beginning is the end is the beginning' weird name I thought.

I used to think the lyrics went 'Sing a happy tune..' Also, the trailer doesn't have the complete song. Only parts of it..

But I looked up lyrics sites and I found out the full lyrics are actually

Send a heartbeat to
The void that cries through you
Relive the pictures that have come to pass
For now we stand alone
The world is lost and blown
And we are flesh and blood disintegrate
With no more to hate

Is it bright where you are
Have the people changed
Does it make you happy you're so strange
And in your darkest hour
I hold secrets flame
We can watch the world devoured in its pain

Delivered from the blast
The last of a line of lasts
The pale princess of a palace cracked
And now the kingdom comes
Crashing down undone
And I am a master of a nothing place
Of recoil and grace

Is it bright where you are
Have the people changed
Does it make you happy you're so strange
And in your darkest hour
I hold secrets flame
We can watch the world devoured in its pain

Time has stopped before us
The sky cannot ignore us
No one can separate us
For we are all that is left
The echo bounces off me
The shadow lost beside me
There's no more need to pretend
Cause now I can begin again

Is it bright where you are
Have the people changed
Does it make you happy you're so strange
And in your darkest hour
I hold secrets flame
We can watch the world devoured in its pain

Can you relate to the lyrics?