Sunday, August 10, 2008

Re-puiblishing this?

I last published this entry at about 2:30 am on 9th. I wanted to delete it in the afternoon and did it as soon as I could get internet access again. By night, I wanted to re-publish it but my laptop wouldn't start. I tried installing hp scanner drivers that fucked everything up. I spent all day yesterday trying to fix my computer. Since I don't have the install disk here, doing a clean install was out of the question. I managed to get only very flaky and unreliable functioning of my mac back and so am republishing this entry with the few additions I had in mind.

I haven't been my laughing, carefree self lately. It started on the 4th August I believe. Nobody seemed to notice it thus far and I was glad about the fact that they didn't. But tonight someone pointed it out and made me think about it. Although I kinda miss it, it's not like I am rather unhappy about it. I'm just kind of intrigued that this is happening.

The reason or explanation could have to do with multiple things.

The evening Arjun bhaiya left for gujrat, Jui didi dropped me home. In the car, we talked about a lot of things and I was in a really happy mood when I got out. I think the best part of the conversation, besides getting to hear about Arjun's antics from his 11th grade, was to find out, 'Arjun always said that you two got along really well together when you were younger.'

I went over to Pranav's flat later. And he didn't look happy at all. He despised me. I have had him be all condescending towards me before, but tonight was different. He asked me if I cried.. (Hell no! I don't cry what do you think I am, a 5 year old? I can't even remember the last time I cried.) He asked me if I was angry... Actually, I wasn't feeling anything. I was numb. I felt like Doctor jon Osterman. Completely disconnected from everything. I wanted to get away from it like him in the comic, after the 'Manhattan transfer'; exile myself to mars. Only, my exile was not going to be that quick, I'd have to wait and I'm not going to mars but canada.

Don't even get me started on suju's little psychotherapy game. When I have problems, I deal with them myself instead of going all therapist on others. "And how do you feel about that?" And that's just an after thought to the whole event.. I mean, I wasn't but maybe I should have been angry.. I don't know..

And now we stand alone
The world is lost and blown

I spent the next day being pissed at everything. I had this poster in canada that went, 'have a day..' with pictures of weird smileys saying things like have a lost day, or have a cool day.. I was having an angry day. Gladly, it passed without me or anyone around me getting hurt. And I was back to being as normal as I could be... which is not really saying much. I felt like I was glowing blue and I could see what'll happen in the future.

Is it bright where you are
Have the people changed
Does it make you happy you're so strange

Ah.. again, faced with the dilemma of whether or not to divulge the things I want to say.. I guess I'll not. no. I won't.

The other day I called up Pranav to ask if he wants to come over to my place in Aundh. I ended up sketching by myself. Then I watched How I met your mother and Zohan before I went to bed. Even today, didn't feel like conversing with people. Talked to people on the phone because its easier to fool them. I would have liked to have taken my stuff back home tonight like I had planned.. then I wouldn't have had to go out for dinner with Pranav.

Nayan: Hello bhaiya
Me: Can I talk to aunty?
Aunty: hello
Me: hello aunty, I wanted to talk about the dinner on 12th
A: Yes, I wanted to know what you would like me to cook.
Y: Actually aunty I don't want to come
A: Why?
Y; I.. Its not the food.. I just don't want to come over because... umm..
A: What is it?
Y: I don't get him. He's really strange. I don't think we can...
A: What are you saying? Did you have a fight?
Y: yeah right.. Like that's ever possible. There was definitely no fighting. No fists flying, no yelling, not even any speaking.
A: You didn't talk to him?
Y: this conversation is going nowhere. I really don't want to talk to you.. why am I talking to you?
A: I don't know.. you tell me. I am just a figment of your imagination.

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