Sunday, December 13, 2009

The one that fits

There are plenty of fish in the sea, right? Oh god! Why did I have to start with this terrible cliché? Okay, how about just this: You go to a mall to buy clothes, there are so many options to choose from. The experience, the price and the result, they all depend on what one wants.

One may go in at leisure, or enter with a mission. It can be routine, or an adventure. It can be painful or pleasant. All depends on one's temperament and attitude. Knowledge and experience will also decide whether you regret or cherish the decisions you make.

So, there are tops, bottoms, too big, too small, too fitting, too loose. They can be flamboyant or subdued, high maintenance or tough. And they all have a price. Walking into a store, you always have an idea how much you're going to be spending. The reputation of certain stores precedes themselves. Whereas with others, it is based on personal experience. Having prior experience will also mean that you will have better luck finding something you like.

So lets say one day I decide that I want to go shop. I was not clear what I wanted. I hear about a mall that has all these stores. Among which are some of my favourites, where I have shopped before, and would go again and again. But when I am there, I realize that more of the same thing is not making me happy anymore. I don't get that tingly feeling I did the first time around. Also, I remember the price I had first paid. A realization dawns upon me that I wouldn't want to pay the same price again. I walk out, disappointed. Thinking that its just not a good shopping day.

Now I'm tasting the waters of other stores. Places I've never been to. Merchandise and brands I have no personal experience with. I've only heard things about them. About the lifestyles of those who go to those stores, buy these things. I understand that they come with a responsibility. And like I said before, everything has a price. My mind's already made up thinking that I'm not going to like anything. But that doesn't mean I can't go in, smell them, try them on, violate them with my bodily secretion and walk out.

However, nothing in most of the stores entices me to even go beyond gawking, touching. Because most of them had signage that shouted out "Tough luck, buddy!" Either they were just not the right fit for me or the asking price was too much. I walk by them like I do with filthy beggars on the streets of Akola.  Stopping only to make a face at something I find revolting and ghastly. Revoltingly ghastly. Also, I am never attracted to the merchandise that is put up on a podium, or on the mannequin. I do not like much fanfare. Must have something to do with the introvert in me.

Then, just as I had given up hope of meeting that one perfect fit, someone called out to me. I was lovestruck. Here I was in a place I didn't even know existed until a little while ago, but I felt like this was my own domain. The surroundings faded into oblivion. I reached out. I was welcomed with a tender caress. This was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen! And I slipped right in. It was just my size. I didn't worry about whether it will keep me warm enough, whether it will last with me forever. But I knew no matter what, I would never let it go once it is mine. Being held in its arms, I forgot the most important thing. They all have a price.

A heartbreak.

I realized that I cannot afford to take this beautiful thing home. Not at this point in life. I couldn't pay the price. And I couldn't ask others to make sacrifices for me because I want this. Because they will say it is irrational; It doesn't make any sense; And that it is not what I need. It is not practical, it will never last und so weiter.

So I walk out. I break hearts. Not just mine, but of the one that called out to me. That love at first sight. I can say "I promise I will be back." But I would be lying. Even if I did believe I would come back for it, it might not still be there for me. Someone else might have snatched it up. And I think that would be for the best. I might never love another, but I hope it can. And I hope it finds someone good. Even though I know nobody else could possibly love it like I did, I wish that it lives a long and happy life in the hands of the other man.

Sunday, December 06, 2009

The possibilities are endless

e-crushes are so silly. Right? They're lame and are for losers. Can you imagine telling that 'how did you guys meet' story? Heh pathetic, right? My fat friend had two of them over the course of less than one year. I just want to yell at him, how gullible are you, dude! Well, in his defence, he is just 19. Or 20.

In my defence, my first e-crush and I had known each other outside the world wide web for about 5 months and were just 19-20 too when the e-crushing started. We would constantly talk to each other over skype halfway across the globe. And when we met the following summer, we dated. (uh oh. I just realized my dad might read this… he never knew we were more than just friends) it was the best summer I had!

But who woulda thunk two years later at 22 I would fucking ecrush on someone again! Yes I am that gullible and I am a looser by my own definition. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I love being a loser and I love the loser, who I know has a crush on me too.

But couple of days ago I was told "my friends think that I am rushing into crushing on you” And I spent a whole day thinking about that conversation. When the thinking drove me nuts, I started working on a digital painting that I knew would be a herculean task to complete. When I realized that my right arm is hurting from the countless hours of painting, I kept myself awake with a book.

Next morning I tried in vain to get myself to bring up that topic again. But couldn’t. If I did I would have said “your friends were probably right…” I am glad I didn’t because I would have ruined the best thing that happened to me in a long time! And I like living with hope that anything can happen, and keeping my options open.

The possibilities are endless.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Why come to Mansfield

For the lack of a lot of interesting things to do here in Mansfield, I have had a lot of time on my hands to pay a little more attention to my blog. But being the lazy ass that I am, I have been less than productive with that time. Being in Mansfield does that to me. What is Mansfield like they ask, because I haven't ever talked about Mansfield on my blog before.

Mansfield is a small town that used to be very prosperous and industrial once upon a time. Or so I have been told. If you want actual statistics and history, head over to wikipedia. Naniji has been telling me a lot about Mansfield and its history. With personal accounts of what it was like back when they moved here. But due to the recession, businesses and factories are shutting down. Most notable being the GM plant that's shutting down.

Apart from the factories, there are also a few farms. Being here in the summer is amazing. The house is located right next to a sprawling field. The corn grows so tall that it is almost like a wall to the road; which itself is not flat or level at all, but instead goes up and down the uneven terrain. It is great fun to bike on these roads. 

The house and surroundings are always very quiet and serene. The sky at night is filled with more stars than I've seen at a place in a long time. Even a small place like Seoni (M.P. India) has so much light pollution today. Mansfield is perfect for star gazing, taking star trail pictures, and looking at meteor showers. I tried taking star trail photos the last time I was in Mansfield, but my camera wasn't quite up to it.

I did bring my camera and lenses as well as the tripod with me. But I dare not venture out in the cold unless I absolutely have to. Besides the overcast sky doesn't make it look very pretty most of the time. But with the flash and the wireless trigger, I have been using the basement as my studio. Yes, naniji's house has a basement with a bar on one side. The deck from the living room has a barbecue/grill and sitting on the deck, we can look at the winding road recede into the distance and the farms on both sides of it.

We are located pretty much at the outskirts of Mansfield. We have to drive into town for all the shopping and recreation. And there are only  a few things to do for recreation. Especially during the winter. The only time I went outside the past week was to go black friday shopping. (Not counting the uncle and auntie's dinner parties.)

There seem to be a lot of Indian families in the vicinity. And they get together often to celebrate almost anything. Thanksgiving we went to a house which was buzzing with doctor uncles, Aunties and their sons and daughters who were all older than I. Uncles talked about everything from current US politics to pre independence India and the freedom struggle. Aunties swarmed around naniji and for a good length of time talked about her visit to the white house. Mamaji, Mausiji and other 'children' gathered together among themselves while I watched tv downstairs with the only other kid younger than me: Aditya, he's 12.

Being a small place, people in Mansfield are very nice. I have found better behaved people at restaurants and other public service jobs here than I did in Savannah. Southern hospitality sounds like a bunch of bull. Food here beats that of most joints in Savannah. I have come so close to some people I am sure they treat me no different from their own family.

Being here also constantly reminds me of my own family. Naniji of mom and nanaji of dad. Anju mausiji and jay mamaji; the way they tease each other reminds me of Divya and me. I feel the need to reconnect with old friends and distant family. I feel like a kid again…

Sunday, November 22, 2009

The hardest part is saying goodbye

This post has pieces paragraphs moments from different periods in time. It is not supposed to be linear. Think of it as a Quentin Tarantino movie.

Siddhant is headed back to Mumbai. Even asked me if I wanted him to bring me something back from India.
"Can't think of anything"
Soumitra is also flying back to Bangalore for the break. His arrangements were pretty last minute and his itinerary is very fucked up! Flying from Savannah to New York, 6 hours between the next flight. He has to catch the next flight from NewArk New Jersey. After he lands in Delhi, he has to wait another six hours for his flight to Bangalore. As much as I mock him for this, I would kill to be on the same journey as him.

I'm flying to Columbus Ohio today and then going to Mansfield. Where I will spend the rest of my winter break. With naniji, nanaji, Mamaji and Mausiji—among family. I should be looking forward to the good food, leisure and other comforts of being in a home versus a dorm. But my mind is preoccupied with something.

I called up Naniji first thing in the morning today to let her know the timing of my flight and ask her what I should pack. I wanted to make sure I was only taking what was necessary. I was also intending to be able to bring back as many of my books as possible.

Somewhere in the conversation I must have dropped that my friends are going back to India.
Soumitra is also flying to Bangalore.
Naniji sounded sympathetic when she said "Since all your friends are going So you must be feeling like going too, right?"
Should I lie and pretend to still be as detached and emotionless as I was a month ago; or should I suck it up and admit that saying "NO!" to mom was a mistake?
*Inhale* "Yeah, a little bit." *exhale*
"Don't worry, you can go in the summer. Mausi is coming for thanksgiving. And you'll have fun here."
She always knows the right thing to say.
His arrangements were pretty last minute
"Yeah I know. I'm not too worried. Neil is also going to be there. I will have things to do."

I have only felt this way when I was last flying from India to Canada. I couldn't even eat any of the awesome sushi at Sushi-Go at Heathrow terminal. I let Soumitra and Shekinah go find something to eat for themselves while I sit down on a random bench. They can't make up their minds so they come back and sit down with me. We hang out, crack some jokes. I'm not going to see these guys for about another month. I feel the longer I am with them at the airport the harder saying goodbye will be. So I tell them "I better start going through the security."

But Shekinah won't let me. She wants me to "Say something profound before you leave." I can never come up with anything when put on the spot like this. But I did come up with something. Now, the more i think about it, the less sense it makes. I was thinking about how I can call someone up once these guys left. And I was thinking that I can't tell anyone I was thinking that. 

Sitting at the airport all alone, waiting for my flight to take off, I am trying to put these feelings into words. But I fail. So I pop my sketchbook out and start sketching the image of a figure—myself a few minutes ago in time—the past me, sitting alone in a row of seats, looking at the ceiling… at nothing in particular, just at the general nothingness… the plain white color and the abstract geometric pattern that the architecture makes when looked at from this angle. Before I knew it, I was deeply engrossed in my storyboard. Drawing the face as a simple geometric form with no features except tears streaming down from what are supposed to be eyes.
I would kill to be on the same journey as him.

The weariness and hunger put me to sleep in the flight. I woke up in time for the refreshments. And not long after, the flight landed in Columbus. Getting off the plane was surprisingly quick as I wasn't trapped in the back of the plane. Naniji had gotten my earlier messages and was almost at the airport. Getting my checked bag at the carousel took forever. But as soon as I stepped outside, and felt the not-as-cold-as-i-expected wind in my face and saw Naniji, all was well in the world again. I forgot about all my butterflies and was craving for some food, finally! And Naniji was—as all good nanijis are—ready; with delicious food for me right there in the back seat of the car.

And stupid Soumitra will be flying all that way for something I'm getting right here. The feeling of finally being home.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

The Joys of owning a cellphone

It has been said that Alexander Graham bell the man who invented the telephone found it an intrusion and refused to have a telephone.

Now having an attention span as short as I do, I am all for intrusions and distractions. But I really wanted to own a palm pre a couple months back. However, I could not afford the exorbitant data charges that the cellular providers here charge. So I held off, which was extremely difficult for me. Because once I've made up my mind about buying some fancy new gadget, I have to have it.

So college rolled around. I thought if nothing else, I would be making a statement by not carrying a cellphone. I did have my ipod and skype and college wifi almost everywhere. And I set up a google voice account for people who only really want to contact me via the phone. But it only recorded voice mail. So, I was constantly pressured by many disgruntled peers to get a real cellphone.

But you know, it is all a formality. People I meet ask me for my 'cell number' because it has become an accepted convention. At the risk of sounding too extreme, here is what I have to say to most of ye. "We are not close enough friends for you to need to be able to call me up at 5:30 in the morning and wake me up." Also, I simply do not expect to be called upon in an emergency. There's always my email, IM and facebook for all those other times. I have lived without a cellphone before—in Canada—and I was functioning just as well as I was with a cellphone.

But looking forward to the winter break, I realized I won't always have a wifi connection wherever I am in Mansfield. And it might get really boring without being in touch with the friends I made at SCAD(who incidentally are all flying away to their homelands too) So, Tuesday, after my english class, I went and got myself a sim card from suncoast wireless on Broughton street. Went for the minimum plan because I knew I wasn't going to get many calls and I don't speak a lot on the phone. I gave up on my dream to own a Palm Pre and popped the sim into my old Nokia E60.(Turned three years old in july 2009) I set up google voice, I set up my skype caller ID, and gave out the number to a select few people. And life continued on for me pretty much the same way for the next 24 hours.

What transpired next I could only say was a thumping loud obnoxious welcome to the wireless world of being connected. In these days, I've only ever been called up or texted while I am either studying, cooking or sleeping. WHAT THE FUCK!

Got a call from an unknown number in the middle of making lunch.
*stomach growls*

After lunch, I went to bed to make up for the all nighter I had pulled.
Got a text message asking if I wanted to watch the movie "UP"
"Fuck you, let me sleep I've already seen that movie"
is what I wanted to tell him but the asshole didn't answer his phone.

Next morning, as I am eating my breakfast, I get a message from Tatja on skype.
"What were you doing up at 5:30 in the morning?"
"Got a call from India."
"I wouldn't have picked it up. LOL"
"Yeah, I finally got a phone. Sigh."

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Crazy dreams are back again

Parents called me on skype a while ago to wish me happy Diwali. Out of the blue, they asked me if I wanted to come to India for the Christmas break. Mom already had the ticket prices figured out. But I refused. Mom went on about how this is the one opportunity I have to visit India because there will be other things going on.
" Divya' s exams will be going on, you might want to take courses in the summer..."
I didn't budge. They didn't tell me until a few minutes later that there had been a death in the family.

I had a dream last weekend; about a death in the family... It was Manik tauji. I don't know why it was him. I don't even remember seeing how it happened. But there were definitely some weird circumstances. I saw myself getting ready for his funeral. But something was odd. I was wearing a black suit. As if I was getting ready to go to a Christian funeral.

People wear white clothes to Hindu funerals in India. Even outside India, the close family and the mourners will wear white because of the belief that after death the soul is at peace and free from worldly desires.

So why the black suit? Why was the funeral being held in the western style? I haven't stopped pondering this myself. I am sure that the death was in my family and Most of my family resides in India. But I was clearly in the west. What was the meaning of this? A reference to how I don't intend to return to India again? Or was it a premonition or a warning in disguise?

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Too Easy?

This was not the first time I would be going to the US embassy in Toronto for a visa interview. So naturally, I was prepared: my visa forms were filled out and printed off and I made sure to let people at work know I was not coming in the next day. Finally, I looked up the location of the embassy again and made a mental note of how to get there.Then set my alarm for early next morning and got some sleep. I am rarely so well prepared. It was going to be a piece of cake.
The day was going to go down in history as the best day of my life while simultaneously being the worst. Did I mention I am never well prepared? I was giving one last check to my paperwork before I left and realized that I had missed one document. Since mine was an F-1 Visa, I was required to pay an additional fee through SEVIS website which wasn’t required last time. And since I had neglected to go over the papers sent from SCAD, I was blissfully unaware of it until then!
I figured I’d pay the SEVIS fee now and leave, then just get a printout from Staples. However, when I tried to make the payment, I realized that my credit card didn’t have enough balance on it. “Oh, I will just transfer some money over from my checking,” I said to myself. But even the checking account didn’t have enough funds. I started freaking out! I only had about 3 hours before the appointment. Just commuting to downtown Toronto was going to take about 2 hours! I could not miss this visa appointment because I failed to make a payment! I also wouldn’t have told anyone that I made such a blunder. So I devised a plan.
I would run to the nearest TD bank and use my “traveler’s ATM card” to withdraw money that I needed for these payments. And after depositing it to my checking and visa accounts, I’d have to run back home and make the payment online.
“Ah, if only I could ask someone to make the payment from their computer and email me the receipt, I could directly head downtown.”
“No, I cannot tell anybody that I goofed up! It’s too embarrassing.” I argued with myself. All that, if done within an hour, still gave me only 2 hours to scramble to the embassy downtown.
I ran to the bank about a kilometer from my building, used my card to withdraw cash from the ATM and walked in to the bank. I didn’t have a watch or a cell phone with me because they do not allow people to take any electronics inside the embassy. I estimated that it had been 15 minutes. I frantically scanned the walls inside the bank. I was looking for a clock; somebody else might have suspected I was checking for security cameras. Not long after, it was my turn.
“Hello, how are you doing?” She asked with a smile.
“I’m fine, thank you.” I replied back politely.
“Do you know about our new offer…” she started
I do not like speaking over people or interrupting. But at that moment, every second seemed like a minute, it was like she was talking to me in slow motion and I just had to...
“No thank you! I do not have time for this! I need to deposit some cash to my checking and visa” I snarled.
“Okay,” She timidly backed off and co-operated with me.
“How soon can I use my visa again?” I asked politely.
“Immediately. Anything else?”
“Yes, I need $130 in US dollars” I said with a smile on my face. Isn’t it awesome when things simply work?
“Okay, let me check.” She went to the back and checked if they had enough american bills.
“Thank you” I said. But to me she might as well have been an ATM machine.
After the transaction was completed as planned, before I left, I now got softer and said,
“Excuse me; I wanted to ask you one more thing.”
“I thought you didn’t have time.” She taunted me back. I still think about it and laugh at how she grabbed the opportunity to get back at me!
“I just wanted to know what time it was.”
Running back to the apartment again, took me about 15 minutes as well. I immediately made the payment, saved the e-receipt to my USB key and ran out the door. The bus stops going both ways were just a stone’s throw from the apartment. I dashed to the bus stop hoping that I didn’t just miss one.
One bus and two subway trains later, I was downtown. I didn’t have an exact idea of the time. I just feared the worst. I had another list of errands to run before I could go to the embassy. I had to get a ‘recent passport size photo against a white background’, pay the visa application fees at a Scotiabank bank branch and get the printout of the SEVIS receipt and an envelope from Staples.
I went to the Staples first because I had been there last time and I knew where it was. I Purchased the envelope and got the printouts then asked her if she knew any place nearby where I could get my photo taken. She showed me a list of photo studios around downtown and their addresses. But she did not let me use the computer right there to google-map it. “What a bitch!” I thought. I definitely wasn’t my usual self. I had gotten extremely jumpy, touchy and irritable. I stomped out of the store.
I went to the Scotiabank branch on Queen street and resumed my scanning of the walls. “I must know what time it is!” After what seemed like an eternity, it was finally my turn! The teller didn’t slack; I wouldn’t have let him! I then went on my quest to find the photo studio. In the panic, I almost drove myself nuts thinking “I have been around here a hundred times before; Why can’t I find these places now that I really need them?”
I tried the photo booth in Eaton Center. But I did not have the right coins. It needed toonies while I only had quarters and loonies. Never before had I hated the convenience of being able to carry $2 coins in your pocket. I kicked the stupid photo booth, shook my fist and went to the Blacks photo store. Another customer was getting his photo taken in a corner. “This is going to take a while!” I thought and walked to the counter.
“Hello, how are you?” The guy asked as if he had all the time in the world.
“I need passport photo for US visa.” I said cutting to the chase.
“okay, that’ll be $15. Wait here for your turn.”
I got my picture taken by an amateur who was probably just out of high school. He was using a D40 with the on-camera flash! Having worked with a great photographer at my internship and learning as much as I did about portrait photography and the use of flash, I was appalled at how ridiculous this setup was. “And I’m paying $15 for this?!!” I was outraged! But there was nothing I could do.
I browsed around the store while I waited. I thought “I should have gotten my picture taken first, and then gone out to do my other tasks; while they printed on their Stone Age printers that take a century for a tiny 2x2 print!” There was just no end to my miseries and my ranting! Numerous “Almost done.” And “he’ll be right out with it” later, I finally had my photos in my hand! I look at the clock; it had been 20 minutes since I walked in. They lied about the 15 minutes!
It was already 5 minutes past the given time. However, I remembered from the last time that they start letting people in at the given time, and depending on the number of people and how slow the security is… well, in a nutshell, I was confident I was still going to get inside. Whether I was going to get a visa? I was not so sure.
I started seeing bad signs as soon as I walked through the security. There was an Asian girl standing in front of me talking to the staff. She just wanted to go to the states to attend a wedding but the form she had, said student visa. He asked her if she has the I-20 form. She was clueless. He explained to her the situation and that she is going to have to reschedule. She said she had already booked the tickets. But that didn’t matter to the officer. She started crying. My heart sank.
When he was looking over my forms, I struck up a conversation, asked him if he was new. Yes, he was in training. I asked, “How many people come in on an average day, did the number fluctuate in winter or summer?” making small talk with him. It helped me relax a little. I had all the required papers; he let me in. I overheard an older couple mentioning that they don’t have photos, they were directed to the photo booth. If only I had known! I could have saved $10 and time and energy by just directly coming here!
The room was more crowded than the last time I was here; January the day of President Obama’s swearing in ceremony. I sat there overhearing people’s conversations, the questions the interviewers were asking the applicants, the news on the tv… I remember the first time it was broadcasting Obama’s ceremony. This time, I don’t remember. All I remember is seeing the faces of the people who had been denied. I thought I might get denied too. But I feared to think What if I get denied.
I kept telling myself “You aced it last time. You’re going to do it again!” I thought back to the mock job interviews that were conducted and recorded at my internship at Bell Mobility, Canada. I was pointed out what I shouldn’t do and how I can improve my interviewee skills. One of the pointers was that my volume went down as my confidence in the answer went down and I would start to kinda mumble.
All I needed was some pep talk. And since nobody else was going to give it to me, I thought to myself, “My English is awesome, I am dressed well, I have an amazing background, they want me to come study there!” And by the time my name was called, I was so confident that I swore I am not walking out of here without a visa or without a fight! In retrospect, picking a fight is probably not the thought you should have in your head when you go for a visa interview.
I walked over, stood straight at a distance from the window. Didn’t lean in, didn’t crane my neck forward, did not put my hands on the counter.
“What are you going to be studying?”
“It’s an expensive school, who’s paying for this?”
“My father” I handed him the financial papers. I remembered how after my mock job interview I was told to not just give one word answers and explain yourself.
“what does he do? Does he make enough money?”
“He’s an accountant. They did offer me a scholarship…” I continued…
“Yeah I saw that” He interrupted, obviously not liking my casual conversational tone.
“Do you have a sibling?” He said, still looking at the papers
“Yes, a sister.” I kept it brief as I was a little surprised what this question had to do with anything.
“Where is she?”
“Back in India.”
“Doesn’t she want to study abroad?”
I then understood why he was going into such detail about my family. However, I was getting annoyed at his questions.
“No. She’s very close to the family, she won’t want to leave and go so far away to study.” I replied haughtily.
I guess there was nothing else he could ask. There was no reason for him to deny me. Unlike my friend Natansh who was told he’d have to go back to his home country to apply as he had been in Canada less than 6 months; or another friend of a friend who was told by the embassy in his home country that they cannot override the rejection of the US embassy in Canada; I did not have to hear any excuse.
The interviewer had my papers; he saw that I had been a good student at Sheridan and that I had enough financial backing to support myself while I was studying. I had just gotten myself a very prestigious internship in Toronto and I am confident and determined enough that I will stop at nothing. So he accepted defeat and just said, “Okay your Visa has been approved. You’ll get your passport in the mail.”
I thanked him and walked away. What I really wanted to do was jump up and shout “yippeee!” I was extremely happy. But I had no one to share it with. I didn’t have my cellphone so I couldn’t call and let anyone know. I had to wait till I got back home. All my excitement bundled up inside. As I journeyed back home, I thought I should go back and apologize to that lady at TD bank; I should again thank the lady at Staples for giving me the list of photo places nearby.
I had gotten my visa, great! But the next day, I still had to go to work; finally tell the guys about my visa and my plans to go to SCAD. Not to mention the packing and moving my life from Canada to USA in a few weeks from then. Sure, I now had the confidence of knowing where my life’s going but nothing’s ever that easy. I still wasn’t ready for the new set of problems that awaited me in the months after I stepped out that door with my bags. But one thing was certain: nobody can take this experience away from me.

Sunday, August 09, 2009

Anup nightmare

This was the dream I had on my last night in Canada.. or my FIRST night in USA after that. I tend to forget the exact date. However, it featured my notorious cousin, Anup. You could say he's right up there in the top 5 of the list of my worst enemies! But I simply don't like him.

In this particularly traumatic dream, I see that my 75-205mm tele-zoom lens has been destroyed. The glass completely shattered and left lying around. Like someone left it there on purpose for me to see it. I find out that it's none other than Anup.

I am extremely pissed! In a fit of rage, (that's very unlike me) I am screaming at the top of my lungs, swearing my head off at him, not caring that I'm in our house, around family. I walk angrily towards him and grab him....

Even I was afraid to see what I would do next....

Luckily, I woke up. Albeit cold but sweaty; traumatized..
and the first thing I had to do, was check my tele-zoom lens and make sure it was intact.

Should I be sorry for what I dreamt?

Some dreams are like re-runs. They play a plot in your head that you've already seen before. And depending on whether you liked them last time, or whether you finished it last time or not, you may decide to stick around and 'watch' that dream again. I had a similar dream a few days ago, one of my last nights in Canada.

I don't know why but it felt like I have been a part of this plot before. Either I did not know how it ended or I was just enjoying it a little too much; hence, I stuck around. It ended with somebody getting shot. I, without even thinking about it for a second, 'walked out' of the 'theatre'. Was it my conscience that had just died? How could I not feel anything for a person that had just died? For the person I probably killed? Twice?

Sunday, August 02, 2009

Just sent this off to my coworkers

Hello everyone,

I would like to thank you all for making my time at the PMP one of the best experiences ever. I will never forget all the time I spent amongst you. I consider myself really honored to have been a part of such a wonderful workforce. Such great colleagues.

I will really miss all the little things; like greeting each other in the morning, walking to the other side of the building for a tim hortons breakfast, getting a ride back home, friday outings, and group lunches in the kitchen.. specially the group lunches in the kitchen.

And slowly, as the realization dawns on me that I am flying to the states in two days from now; I start to wish more and more that it wasn't so. That it could last just a little bit longer..

I know it's the long weekend but I want to get up and head back to work tomorrow morning....

I didn't say bye, because I didn't want it to be the end, or the last of it. I specifically stayed away from the I've learnt this, I've learnt that crap.. because I knew if I did that, I would start lying or making things up or fabricating it to try and be politically correct. What I sent off in the letter is pure unadulterated feeling. And I don't know many people who feel the same way about their jobs/position/internship. Thus I consider myself lucky.

I posted this here, also because I didn't end up finding everyone's email address, so just because your address wasn't on the list, doesn't mean I wanted to leave you out.

But there are definitely those who deserve special mention: These were the people who made it that much more special for me.
Michael Fiorillo: Learnt so much about photography from you.
Jimmy Cho: brought a much needed happy and positive attitude in the room when we were at the height of the disrest.(the disrest part is a long story)
Michelle Cortese:But ofcourse for your great sense of humor and comic antics.
George Wu: oh so many reasons... my first interviewee, believe it or not, I learnt a lot of things by working with him. He went so far and beyond in order to help me out...He is one of the few colleagues I can call a friend
Umar Bacchus: the person to always count on, trust with my eyes closed.
Mengyu Ran: like the older sibling you always like to fight with.. because you know it's so much fun!(wow! I never thought I would say that, but I could really think of nothing else!)
Danny Adhim: awesome comic timing, always pushing it, (no pun intended, Danny)bordering on the offensive and inapropriate, still we all enjoy it.
And lastly, Henry Mar: who always got me pumped up every time he walked into the room-be it with a new gadget for us, or a great new idea! He was always inviting me to go do something with my creativity.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

May 27 2009

I did not want to write/post something before finding out whether I got the bell internship or not. because if I had failed to get the internship, I would just skip this whole event as if it had never happened. And for everyone else but me, it would be like I never wore that suit, I never opened that tie, never bought new shoes and did not do the presentation.

It began with reading the posting on

I believe it's because of my updated/reformatted resume. I had been applying for so many jobs but I wasn't hearing back from any one of them. So when I was applying for this unpaid internship, I went through my resume, looked it over, and added a little splash of color to make the content more distinguishable.

I was pleasantly surprised to get an email from the PMP recruitment.  I read through it, and at first I was a little skeptical, because of the word 'survey' in the body of the email. I filled out the survey even though I was thinking this is probably just to do some market research and I'm not going to hear back from them again.

But I did. Brendan called me up while I was on the bus and scheduled an interview for monday 25th may 09. I guess that was my lucky day. Because despite of how freaking nervous I was about meeting these people, regardless of how unprepared I felt I was, I guess I did something very right. Right there, Brendan told me I should expect to get a call from them for a second interview. I was now in the 5th stage of the recruitment program.

How I spent the weekend before my interview (Or how I didn't prepare for the interview)

I will never forget that weekend. I went to Canada's wonderland on saturday 23rd may. It was an awesome trip and I really enjoyed. 8 thrilling rides in one day! Even hours after i was back home and resting on the bed, my head was feeling like I'm still going through a roller coaster. I was fatigued and I would randomly feel weightless or like I'm in a loop or corkscrew bend.

The next day, I was supposed to sit down and strictly work on some illustrations and put a portfolio book together to show at the interview. I woke up early, thought I would go get a haircut- look more presentable for the interview. But the saloon I went to, was closed on sunday. I got a call from Doni while I was out, about going grocery shopping. I walked around in Cloverdale mall-in front of food basics, to try and find a barber shop. Only one of the 3 was open at the time, and the price was $17. I decided not to get a haircut and just get over with the shopping and get to work.

After the shopping, I worked on my tiger illustration for a while. I had talked to Doni about borrowing his shoes for the interview, and I was supposed to go buy a shirt for the interview. Instead of going to eaton centre, which would take us much longer, we decided to go to Sherway garden mall. After changing two buses, we got there just before closing time... Still, lot of the smaller stores were closed. Only sears was open.

Uh Sir, you cannot keep opening and trying on shirts..

The shopping experience at Sears needs another blog entry for itself. For now, I got a white shirt that I didn't absolutely hate. It was going to be worn under my suit anyways, so it didn't matter that it was a little loose.

By the way, did you finish that portfolio you were planning to present to them?

I worked away on my illustration in Illustrator CS4 till about 3 am in the morning. I went to bed when I felt it was at a satisfactory level of finished-ness. Woke up again at 6 or something. I needed to find out if there was a Staples around their office so that I could go print out this PDF that I had been working on. I ended up buying two ipod touch applications for TTC bus routes and schedules. One of them was actually helpful in finding the numbers of buses I would need to take and names of stops where I'd have to get off.

Dressed in my suit, with the tie knotted perfectly, I head out with my backpack on my shoulder. (Damn that looked so out of place!) By the way, tying the tie wasn't as difficult as it was a few days ago - the day of Rajat's screening. Actually I also had some help in the form of instructions on the back of the box of the tie. Yes, I had never even worn the tie before!

So you're saying you ran into staples wearing a suit and carrying your jansport backpack?

Yeah, Doni said I was leaving too early for my interview but I knew finding the staples in a place I've never been before was going to take a while. I got off the second bus, and started walking around. I felt like an eskimo in a fur coat on a tropical beach. I was definitely feeling awkward having never worn this suit before. And I was walking down the road looking totally lost! Noone to ask for directions!

Upon finally finding the wretched Staples, I got my stuff printed off asap, and then started looking for the bus back. But I was in Missisauga now. No TTC bus would pass so I resorted to walking. I am trying to find creekbank road and the entrance to the office building without a gps, compass or map.  Took me a while. But in the end, I arrived in the lobby some 20 minutes before designated time.

"So what do you know about our program?"

Hehe.. I used my time wisely to catch up on reading their brochure pdf. I didn't think it helped me all that much though. Because the interview was.. now that I look back on it.. all about me and Henry. He is the senior director of PMP. And I don't know how, when he came in, he got me pumped up, just set me on fire and made me go! I remember going back and forth about the GPS/geotagging photo question he posed in front of me!

Brendan asked me some generic questions and I answered them honestly like I always do. They had my resume and the survey I filled out in their hands.. OH! THAT'S WHAT THAT WAS FOR! They were asking me questions relating to that, and some of the same questions to verify that what I filled out was actually true.
So the interview went good, yada yada yada.. you already told us you got called in for second interview. What happened next?

For that, I guess you'll have to wait for my next post!

The blog post I didn't finish about the dream I don't remember anymore

30th May 2009

Had a very weird dream last night. Weird because it came out of nowhere..

Let me set it up for you..

I was supposed to get my I20 form from SCAD. I had gotten a call from Fed Ex guy the day before, asking about the buzzer number. But the stupid apartment doesn't have a buzzer phone. So my wise ass landlord told me to tell the delivery guy to ask for the superintendent. However, the delivery guy came, while I was out, and left a note on the glass and left.

When I came back to see this, I got disgruntled. Waited for the landlord to get out of the bathroom and told him about it. He said he'll talk to the management office.. but the lady said she can't accept packages. He told me to go talk to the super, and he too, refused saying that he's not going to be in his suite all the time.

"Fuck all that!" I said, and texted Doni to ask for his address because I was going to redirect the shipment. However, even he didn't reply back with the address. He said he's going to give it to me when he gets back. Alright then! Now there's nothing left for me to do. So I just went to sleep.

Later that evening, I got a call from Rajat. Now he was going to be moving in with me from June onwards. he calls me up and tells me he might not be moving in with me, but instead go live with some of his relative. damn! My plan of paying less rent from the next month onwards were devastated. Fuck! I was in the lowest mood  in a long time! I haven't gotten a job yet, I still don't have my I20 form in my hand, and now this!

I couldn't go to sleep very easily because I had slept in the evening. But when I did, I know I had a dream I would have liked to blog about..

The answer is no

Last time I talked to mom, she was being.. a little too concerned. (You'd say this is normal for moms but this time was a little more than her usual) She was asking me in a very 'i don't even know the word for this-babying?' voice, why I didn't want to come to India this summer.

I didn't have a straight answer for her. So she went on.. "is it because you think if you come back home, dad won't let you go abroad?" I said "no, it's not that."

She continued on.. you're happy there? I assured her I was doing fine. Great, infact.

Then yesterday Manish bhaiya was very pissed off because of the email I sent him. found him online..
he said, "what the fuck is wrong with you"
I told him the same thing I said to mom. I have my convocation on 11th june and I have a visa interview appointment on 23rd. Can't make it.

look for ur India trip dude..
screw the convocation.. and ur Visa interview.. you can have it scheduled in India or come back to Canada by then..
let me know what you think..
see if you if you change ur mind again
I am guessing it should be fun..
Yash Gupta
yeah the wedding will be fun
Yash Gupta
but not the travelling
Yash Gupta
and the weather

And that's the end of it.

That was back on May 21st. And now we're into July. I didn't go, and I am loving it here!

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Weird watchmen dream

This happened Last week but due to my irregularity, I didn't end up typing it. Me and Doni were in a streetcar on queen street. (I guess coming back from China Town or headed to Viztek the camera store) I saw a comic book store from the corner of my eye as we were moving and noticed there was a mannequin dressed up like Rorshach in the middle of the store.

I quickly told Doni to take a look but we had already passed that. I didn't think of it much then.. Just thought it was cool. (Leemrijse is one of the people who having never read the comic book, actually liked the watchmen movie.)

I didn't think of it at all after that. We had a whole bunch of activities going on the rest of the day to keep my mind busy. But subconsciously, I guess I did want to ponder over it. I did not want to let it go. Because that night, I had one of the most interesting dreams I've had in a long time. And I mean Long Time. Last one I remember was the one where I was 'Quick kick' the G.I.Joe character and destroyed a missile with my kick. (Harsh and Suraj should recall this one)

So, this one, started with one of the watchmen scenes.. plays out a lot like the novel all the way to the climax. (It's really hard for me to write this without giving away the ending of the novel...) The climax where we see all the characters assembled in Veidt's Antarctic hideout.. Veidt has won.. successful in killing millions of innocent people despite the best efforts by the other vigilante or super heroes. And as it dawns on everybody that it's all over..

Something weird starts happening to all the superheroes except Rorschach. Dr. Manhattan is not glowing anymore, Lori's voice gets deeper..Nite Owl's hair starts turning red and Veidt's stature is 'shrinking'..
They are all turning into Rorschach.
And they all look very pleased. Rorschach looks pleased. It seems as if all this while, all these vigilantes were alter-egos or manifestation of Rorschach himself. He is the all powerful, and he is the one who really has the powers of Dr. Manhattan. He was living all these duplicate/alternate lives... For his own pleasure/satisfaction.
...How insane is that?!! And what does that say about me and my brain, having cooked up this plot about one of my favourite heroes from my favourite graphic novel?!!  
-written 19th may 09

Monday, May 18, 2009

Nothing official about it

Contradicting myself(what I said in the last post) I am again going to try and be optimistic about sticking to the motto of 'trying to capture life'

Today again, I was feeling like making some nice breakfast. I have been noticing a pattern.. The morning after a good dinner, I crave breakfast, however, on the mornings after an unappetizing dinner, I couldn't care less for food. Like the following incident:

Doni had made 'Hamburger Helper' for dinner and I didn't like it at all! I didn't finish my portion and went to bed.. That night, I dreamt I was having some delicious fried Indian snack. Samosa? Kachori? something else? I don't know. But my mind was set. The next morning, after I woke up, I didn't even feel like breakfast. I was dead sure I was going to go to Gerard street and have some Indian food.

A little around lunch time, me and Doni went to 'Little India'. Not really sure what we were going to find, we surveyed the entire street without going into a store. There was a south Indian restaurant that I found very interesting. I told Doni we might go have dinner there. But first, we had kulfi, which tasted pretty much like any other vanilla ice cream. It was missing that texture of kulfi. But for 1 dollar, I didn't mind at all. It was the $5 glass of sugarcane Juice that pissed me off! We're never going back there again!

We shopped at an Indian grocery store that had a really nice uncle at the counter who talked to me in hindi. I picked up pilsbury rotis (which were too small and were only 5 in a pack that should have had 6) and peppered cashews. Didn't see any bhindi there, but I also got 4 packs of maggi vegetable atta noodles. How I wish they had the 'family pack' in stores!

After, we went to the South Indian restaurant and had idli-wada and masala Dosa. Very satisfying. The guy at the counter here as well talked to me, asked me if I was a resident or a student and what I am doing etc.

Now I know what I need to do, where I need to go next time I am down there. Also made a mental note of what I want to try out next time.

It's all Business

Title of my blog is "Trying to capture life". But I am not even trying. Last blog post I wrote was written on Monday and only got published several days later. I really don't know what's up with me. I don't even feel like talking to people about me. But I can converse and express/exchange opinion on any general topic of interest.

The other day, I chatted with Huzaifa on gtalk for about 20 minutes about need for career counselling in India where almost every other kid coming out of 12th grade is heading to an engineering college. Then the topic moved to education/studies in the 'multimedia' or entertainment business. And then to art and commissions.

That felt so much more productive than 'how was your day, what did you do?' and therefore, so much more satisfying than talking to mom or someone else who I don't know what to say to.. I don't expect a phone call from anybody, I am not excited about hearing anyone's voice. And I think my lack of enthusiasm shows in my voice when I talk. I feel like Jim Carey in the beginning of Yes Man...

Saturday, May 16, 2009


I can't not think about dreams that I have. And tonight's dream is one of the more convoluted ones. 

I was being told about the 911 attacks, was taking a look at the ruins of the world trade center from an aerial point of view. But then there were oddities in the pattern of destruction. The officer or whoever it was with me teling me about it, showed me the spot where the highest damage was done. and there was a straight line of destruction till a lot further away from it.

I know this is confusing. It is for me too. Maybe I was just associating it with 9-11 it probably wasnt that in the first place. It wasn't just one building.. it wasn't a round circle of destruction from a bomb or explosion. It was as if there was an missile launched from one end, and it destroyed everything in it's path and left this 'line of destruction'. Other reasons I can think of to explain what I saw are: it was an explosion in a train.. and everything along that line was destroyed. Now to explain the fact that this train was in a fairly urban setting, it could be that it was a underground subway line. And as the underground tunnel collapsed, so did everything on top.

Also, as I was surveying from the helicopter, I thought to myself, wow! I was watching a movie yesterday in a theater... with family or friends.. and I thought if we hadn't decided to go to inox instead of e square, we would have been dead. So I suppose I was in Pune now..

Next, I was on the ground, I was actually right next to the site of this event. I don't know what or who gave me the authority to be there..  Surveying the operations, I was surprised to find a bunch of poor people living in the destroyed ruins of the buildings. They could have been family and or the workers helping in the excavation/rescue operations.. It was like a photograph. Everyone or everything was stopped in time as I was walking across them all... Suddenly I noticed Golu bhaiya and Monu didi around that area.

I was really surprised and excited. I said hi, they said "hi!", (time was not frozen anymore) They were perfectly fine, I guess they were just here to check it out, or be in the news coverage etc. haha. They started with their usual teasing me, pulling my leg and all... I woke up just then.. and I wish I didn't think about the 'attack' anymore. But I can't do that. I always think about my dreams too much... 

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Commuting sucks part 1

The events in this blog post take place over the period of sunday through monday.

I was in Toronto Reference Library when I got a call from Doni. (What I was doing there is another blog post in itself) He said he was planning to go grocery shopping today. I told him I'd leave here and be in etobicoke by the time. As I was leaving from bloor station, I got a call from Rajat saying that he is on his way to toronto now and that he'll see me at my place. I guided him on how to get there and was on my way to kipling.

Transit disaster #1: 
There was a little incident around our locality.. some violence or maybe some bullets were fired as the worst case scenario. And the police had blocked the route not allowing the bus to pass through there. So the 112 bus was running off scheduled route and time. And it seemed as if there was only one such bus running. So I waited at the kipling station for about 20 minutes for the bus to take me to the cloverdale mall.

Rajat had arrived at kipling station by then, and he got the 112 bus so he was on his way to my place, while I was still finishing my shopping at Metro. After we were finished, we were waiting at the bus stop and Rajat called to say he was already there. GREAT! The damned 112 bus finally came and I met up with Rajat, showed him my place, and had something to eat.

Next we left for Rajat's friend Ankita's place around coxwell. She had just had a baby girl and Rajat had bought some kids clothes for the baby. She made tea and bhel for us. I don't generally drink tea.. well.. I didn't at all drink hot tea but she had made awesome tea! (And I was rather thirsty and too polite to say "no I don't drink tea!") Ankita was very nice. She was communicating very well, even with the canadian neighbour. She even invited us to stay for dinner, (I wouldn't have objected at all. Judging by the bhel, it would have been an awesome treat!) but Rajat said we should leave. And leave we did. At 8 pm, we waited to catch the streetcar that would take us to queen subway station.

Transit disaster#2
As we were approaching the queen station, I suggested we stay on the ttc and go with the streetcar all the way to long branch and catch the go train from there! We were sure we missed the 8:30 train from union, so we should be able to catch the 9:30 train at long branch if we reach there by 10. Rajat agreed and we thought now we just enjoy the ride.

But there was so much traffic on queen street that we were moving at snail's pace. As the clock sped closer to 10 and we inched ever so slowly towards long branch, we realized that we won't make the next train. And sure enough, I got to long branch only after the train had just passed. To make matters worse, the station had closed down, and both of us needed to take a leak! So we found a spot where the security cameras couldn't see us, and relieved ourselves.

Finally, after waiting for an hour in the surprisingly cold weather(for early may) we got on the bus and were in oakville in no time. And since the oakville transit buses had stopped running, we had to walk all the way to Rajat's house. Luckily, there was a 24 hour tim hortons about halfway there and we stopped to take a break, and get a drink and some snack to refuel ourselves.

Friday, May 08, 2009

Late night ice cream run

Donnie was in a really bad mood almost all day today. So he decided to go take a walk outside at about 11 pm in the night. In talking to him, trying to cheer him up, I said hey, do you wanna go get an ice cream?

And so we headed out to the store barely 5 minute walk away from the apartment. I saw a bus and suddenly said, "hey, wanna go for a random bus ride to nowhere in particular?" (I watched yes man not too long ago) He said he didn't bring his wallet (That has the TTC card). So I ended up buying him an ice cream. And we went on a walk towards the flyover over highway 427.

He told me he has an option to study for gmat and apply for York U if he doesn't make it into Ryerson. But he is not ready to do it because GMAT is too hard and he won't be able to do it. I stayed quiet for a moment, as I wanted to look back at what I've done before telling him he shouldn't think like that and not give up before he's even tried.

"Do you know how hard GMAT is?" he asked.
"I do", I replied.

Since I didn't want to make it about 'me', I briefly told him how I tried 3 times for getting into the animation program and worked harder than I have ever had for anything else in my life.
I was telling him once you start doing it, you might actually get into it and perform better than you think.

Soon we reached the flyover and I wished I had my camera with me. I did make a mental note to come back here next time with my camera and tripod. Doni and I started talking about timelapses and long exposure photography. (got to get my camera sensor cleaned!)

And even as we were returning, and he said, "shit! I didn't bought the coke" I said to myself, calm down yash, not tonight...

Monday, May 04, 2009

Evening timelapse

So I spent pretty much all of the day today working with my camera and timelapse. Dragon being my software of choice. I had to charge both the batteries, and make sure they had enough juice to hold up to shooting upto 500 shots. Tried out different locations. First out the window of my room. But Dragon crashed and I had wasted a lot of time.

Next, I put the camera in the balcony. Doni and I had discussions about whether we should point the camera towards the highway or the west. The trees though were a bummer as we couldn't see the cars on the highway or much of the lights after the sun went down. We were both debating how long can we make the timelapse before it gets boring. Finally, I kept the framerate at 24 and the timelapse came to about 21 seconds.

Another thing I am disappointed with is dust appearing on the picture because my sensor is dirty. Gotta spend some bucks to get a good sensor cleaning swab.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Finally Finished Kungfu Panda

Yeah, there's supposed to be a 27th april and 28th april Page. But I didn't find time to finish what I started on the 27th while waiting by the road side, waiting for the bus to go to Doni's place. It was a nice and sunny day, and I took my small sketchbook with me. I sketched some cars driving by, and wanted to paint them in watercolor style. However, when I got back home on 28th, Corel painter 11 refused to cooperate.

As for drawings from 28th, I was sketching briefly in the Missisauga transit bus, but it was too shaky for me to continue. And I don't feel like posting those drawings. so here's something from the archives, did this during reading week, when I was going to Ohio to visit naniji. There was this really cute kid at the airport dressed in layers of loose clothing. 'very gangsta' I thought to myself. LOL

Anyways, Staying at Doni's was fun. I finished kungfu panda game on his xbox 360, and I guess I might be playing more games more often now. LOL.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

April 26th inspiration

Today's inspiration is artist Alberto Ruiz . I have his sketchbook 4 Straight curves. And I decided to attempt at copying the first drawing in the book. His original drawings are pretty big. but I didn't do the full figure. And I am very scared that I don't end up getting slapped with a lawsuit or something. So let me clear this out again, this original design is by Alberto Ruiz, this is just a fan art or something. I'm not making any money off of it, so please leave me be.

April 25

A few weeks ago I was talking to Adam David, an old classmate, and we talked about drawing something for oneself every day during the vacations. And since saturday today was the first day, if I hadn't done this, I would have felt like I gave up even before I tried. Besides, I am getting rid of so much paper lying around my room that I know I won't be able to take with me. So this drawing, after I have scanned it, is going in the garbage. 
The top left guy is the jelly alien character I've had in my mind since sometime in fall 2008. I did so many versions of this, it was almost going to be my portfolio character. But I scrapped it for Frank. Then Monsters vs Aliens movie comes along and B.O.B. played by seth rogen is pretty much exactly what I had drawn so many times before! Uncanny! My inspiration had come from art of wall-E book and Mike from Monster's Inc. But I also draw him with two eyes sometimes..

The other drawings.. Nicole had her friends over. They had a little baby girl and a huge dog. a Boxer.. his name slips my mind right now.. but he was a very adorable friendly little.. no not little.. HUGE dog. The sketches are from memory.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Wow Mickey!

This is all you. Thisblog post hasbeen provoked by: Mickey.

I skipped going to the pub night and the house party downstairs, because I wanted to stay at home tonight. Rest. I had a tiring squash game today; After a break of a few weeks, and I have a class to go to tomorrow.

As I was finishing laundry, Mickey starts chatting with me. And he said something that made me a little furious. But he wasn't wrong. His point: that, I am a good friend when it comes to asking for monery or a place to stay but I'm never there for emotional support.

I recalled all these instances of us both sitting together and talking, both before and after I had been denied admission in Sheridan college animation program. We were at Laurice(the restaurant) or at my place, his place, in the go train, at chapters.. We talked about 'the human condition' in every possible way. At times, both were troubled. More often, it was just Mickey. The Mickey I know, didn't like talking about himself.. He wouldn't even want me to tell my parents I'm hanging out with him, what he's studying, where he's from, etc. (Is Mickey racist or does he think my parents are? LOL j/k) Actually, I can understand that. I've had my own reasons for doing the same thing in the past. I remember having such low self esteem that I didn't want anybody talking about or knowing what I'm doing.

And since mickey has, on more than one occasion, refused to share with me about what's going on with him, I FINALLY picked up on that blatantly obvious hint that he doesn't want to talk and stopped asking him. I just believe in my head that like all those times he was troubled and was talking to me, he'll come and talk to me about things when he's ready. (and I guess he did that today.)

I have never been the motivational speaker that mickey is. Nor the probing psychiatrist like suju. In trying to cheer me up as I was leaving canada in summer 2008, Mickey told me, "you'll come back to Canada." And I did. Suju's thing might have worked on others, but She tried to do that routine on me and it led to irrepreble damage to our relationship.(or so I thought for.. I dunno about 4 days?)

I am the one who never knows what to say. I'd be lying if I claim I have ever said anything profound to Doni when he told me things are not going well relationship or career wise. But I could sense that in just telling those things to someone, he was feeling a little better. And I was feeling better that I'm not the only one on this side of the planet who has things on one's mind. That time, never for one second I thought to myself, "Oh god, shut up I'm not really interested, I just asked because it's the formal thing to do." (That happened when I was talking to someone else on the phone once.) Kinda became a back and forth thing between Doni and I. Next time up, I didn't hesitate to tell him what's bothering me. And he retaliates. This wasn't limited to the sad times. I force him to get off his ass and come play squash sometime, he forces me to come play other times. Like I drag him out of his room in the cold to go to bk. Next time it's his turn to ask me to come to bk, I have to go.

I don't know where I'm going with this. If you do, well and good. If not, let's just say I'm putting it out there. This was just what my mind was musing as I tried to fall asleep...
I had to write this, as I couldn't go to sleep and this thing was going round and round in my head as I lay in bed resting my neck.

So if your decision is to stop talking to me because I don't go "there there"...
I'm fine with that.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Dreaming about Akola

I came back from college on friday at around 6. I had finished my prints by 2:30 and then submitted my portfolio for re-evaluation. While I was printing the appeal letter, I ran into Jake and Laura. Jake came and talked to me for a while. I was feeling so relieved after I dropped off the portfolio! I wasn't very hungry, but I figured I was going to have to eat sooner or later. So went to Harveys, got poutine from Rajat and ate it outside with Franzi. It was beautiful, sunny and warm today. And even Andrew came outside, talked to us for a bit, then left as he had to get back to work. The weather's gonna be like that for two more days, then it's going to rain and get cooler again.. so they say. As I was walking back home, I ran into katie and we talked along the way.

This has become so common. Me running into at least 4 people I know on my way to and back from school. More than one of who are close/old friends. I feel sad realizing that I might have to go away from here. Let's just say, having even a little time on my hands while my brain isn't occupied with something, does not always lead to a very pleasant result.

whoops! I already lost my train of thought here. So, before I get distracted again, Let's proceed with the real topic. After I got back, I was feeling kinda sleepy. I thought I'd make up for the only 4 hours of sleep I got last night. I just crashed on the bed and dozed off. And I had another dream about me being in Akola. This time, I was with a different bunch of people. One of whom was Jayant; my school buddy who I recently ran into after about 3 years when I was vacationing in India this summer.

It was dark, probably late at night, and we were at a restaurant or cafe having food, just hanging out. When one of them suggests we go drinking. And then we are all having a conversation about what 'bars' we could go to in Akola! LOL. I can imagine what my face would be like if that happened to me for real. I am just trying to imagine what a pub or bar would look like and what the people there will be like. I get a chill down my spine; that's how creepy the image in my head is. haha!

In the dream though, I believe I voted for getting some drinks and heading back home. Anyways. I am sure I was enjoying being among friends rather than family. The last dream about me being in Akola with family and ...

Sunday, April 12, 2009

I sure am going to miss these adventures

So this is new adventure for you. Are you gonna miss Canada?
yash gupta:
I was talking to friends about coming back to canada for christmas.
yash gupta:
yash gupta:
I didn't tell you about the adventures we had out in the snowstorm!
yash gupta:
or did I?
I don't think so
yash gupta:
okay, let me introduce the characters...
yash gupta:
one indonesian guy by the name Doni leemrijse. you can call him Donnie.
yash gupta:
and skinny Indian dude called Yash.
yash gupta:
they are good friends, they help each other out, play squash together, go to BK, etc.
yash gupta:
so one friday evening, Doni calls up Yash and goes, "Hey, let's go to Toronto. I want to go to bestbuy to purchase an Xbox 360 and a HDTV."
yash gupta:
Yash says, "No man, there's a snowstorm outside."
yash gupta:
Doni says, "we just have to get in the bus, take the go train to Union, walk through the PATH to eaton center, get the stuff, and come back. No snow, No cold."
yash gupta:
"I'm not so sure about it." Yash says.
yash gupta:
Doni convinces him anyways.
yash gupta:
but a little while later, he calls Yash and goes, "Hey, I checked on the website, there are no more Xboxes in Toronto!"
yash gupta:
you see, it was almost christmas time.
yash gupta:
"New plan!" he proposes.. "We take the 24 bus to missisauga and get it from the bestbuy on Winston Churchill. They have it in stock there!"
yash gupta:
Yash still not convinced, Doni bribes him with Sushi. "we can go to bestbuy, then eat sushi at the buffet restaurant. I'll pay for both of us." Yash unwittingly agrees. (no way he could resist Sushi!) They get dressed in their warmest winter attire and take the 24 bus, get to winston churchill, and begin their march towards bestbuy.
yash gupta:
As we knock our shoes on the mats inside best buy to get the snow off our shoes, I notice my jeans cuff has frozen stiff!
yash gupta:
well, it was a little amusing.
yash gupta:
Doni as usual, takes forever to decide whether he wants to buy the xbox arcade or 'ultimate' or whatever it was.
yash gupta:
arcade vs ultimate
yash gupta:
using his iphone to compare and contrast the features/drawbacks..
yash gupta:
then he considers if he can stretch his budget to get a large LCD display...
yash gupta:
and after about an hour and a half or so.. as the weather has worsened..
yash gupta:
he finalizes his purchasse, and we walk out. Fuck that Xbox was heavy!
yash gupta:
and the box of the TV awkwardly wide!
yash gupta:
The distance from the bestbuy to the sushi restaurant, seemed 10 times as long while walking in knee deep snow with these boxes in our hands while dressed to look like pilsbury doughboy and Michellin tyre man!
yash gupta:
they stumble, pause, switch, many times over
yash gupta:
constantly motivating each other. "Come on man, it's only less than a hundred thousand centimeters more!
yash gupta:
Realizing Doni was much slower, and Yash was more succeptible to the cold, he walked fast, walked ahead and got to the sushi restaurant first
yash gupta:
he put the tv down, and remembered the promise he made to his friend, "I'll be back for you!"
yash gupta:
Yash took few deep breaths, wiped his nose and walked out oh so bravely!
yash gupta:
Reached Doni, and offered help. They had both almost made it!
yash gupta:
The walk of misery was over, and a warm soup and some delicious sushi awaited them
yash gupta:
After eating their reward feast, they decided they will need the help of a majestic and heavy metal contraption capable of pushing forward through all this snow at great speed, driven by an Immigrant who most probably speaks broken english, while we both sit comfortably in the magically heated interior of the beast.
yash gupta:
so they called a cab. Which would seem was the easy part.. but the wait on hold was getting more excruciating with each passing second!
yash gupta:
both tried different companies with their respecive cellphones.
yash gupta:
and when finally we got through, it was like god had answered our prayers
yash gupta:
...if there was a god at all!
yash gupta:
because the cab was here, and we had to walk out in the cold hell, carrying the boxes to the cab as it couldn't come any closer to the door because of the snow.
yash gupta:
and again, we were relieved.. though only momentarily! because after the cab got us to sheridan college, we had to drag our asses all the way to the res, and into Doni's room!
yash gupta:
did I mention i was christmas, and the res was as busy as a graveyard at midnight?
yash gupta:
Yash actually dragged the tv box on the floor with the last bit of energy he had.
yash gupta:
and then, when it was time to open the boxes and install it, suddenly, they were as ecited and refreshed as kids on chistmas morning!
yash gupta:
such a happy moment!
yash gupta:
yash gupta:
by the traitor who said "Yash you can't be here in the res man."
yash gupta:
yash gupta:
the end.
yash gupta:
gotta go now.