Commuting sucks part 1

The events in this blog post take place over the period of sunday through monday.

I was in Toronto Reference Library when I got a call from Doni. (What I was doing there is another blog post in itself) He said he was planning to go grocery shopping today. I told him I'd leave here and be in etobicoke by the time. As I was leaving from bloor station, I got a call from Rajat saying that he is on his way to toronto now and that he'll see me at my place. I guided him on how to get there and was on my way to kipling.

Transit disaster #1: 
There was a little incident around our locality.. some violence or maybe some bullets were fired as the worst case scenario. And the police had blocked the route not allowing the bus to pass through there. So the 112 bus was running off scheduled route and time. And it seemed as if there was only one such bus running. So I waited at the kipling station for about 20 minutes for the bus to take me to the cloverdale mall.

Rajat had arrived at kipling station by then, and he got the 112 bus so he was on his way to my place, while I was still finishing my shopping at Metro. After we were finished, we were waiting at the bus stop and Rajat called to say he was already there. GREAT! The damned 112 bus finally came and I met up with Rajat, showed him my place, and had something to eat.

Next we left for Rajat's friend Ankita's place around coxwell. She had just had a baby girl and Rajat had bought some kids clothes for the baby. She made tea and bhel for us. I don't generally drink tea.. well.. I didn't at all drink hot tea but she had made awesome tea! (And I was rather thirsty and too polite to say "no I don't drink tea!") Ankita was very nice. She was communicating very well, even with the canadian neighbour. She even invited us to stay for dinner, (I wouldn't have objected at all. Judging by the bhel, it would have been an awesome treat!) but Rajat said we should leave. And leave we did. At 8 pm, we waited to catch the streetcar that would take us to queen subway station.

Transit disaster#2
As we were approaching the queen station, I suggested we stay on the ttc and go with the streetcar all the way to long branch and catch the go train from there! We were sure we missed the 8:30 train from union, so we should be able to catch the 9:30 train at long branch if we reach there by 10. Rajat agreed and we thought now we just enjoy the ride.

But there was so much traffic on queen street that we were moving at snail's pace. As the clock sped closer to 10 and we inched ever so slowly towards long branch, we realized that we won't make the next train. And sure enough, I got to long branch only after the train had just passed. To make matters worse, the station had closed down, and both of us needed to take a leak! So we found a spot where the security cameras couldn't see us, and relieved ourselves.

Finally, after waiting for an hour in the surprisingly cold weather(for early may) we got on the bus and were in oakville in no time. And since the oakville transit buses had stopped running, we had to walk all the way to Rajat's house. Luckily, there was a 24 hour tim hortons about halfway there and we stopped to take a break, and get a drink and some snack to refuel ourselves.

Goobimama's soggy blog

Oh well, I was just reading this blog post by Milind, a friend from Goa and laughed out loud. Sachin was sitting next to me, and asked why I was laughing.

"There's this crazy friend who's been writing on his blog about a friend of his and the affair his girlfriend has been having with someone. And now, he's actually gone ahead and posted a interview with those people! hah!" And we both laughed together this time. I just felt it's so Ironic. First he tells this tale, painting an image of all the characters, and then goes and interviews the real people, who have apparently been reading all that. Add to that, his personified pet cat. He even has a twitter account for his cat!

I realized that if this little act of 'goofiness' made me laugh, maybe my eccentricity would someday make someone go, oh god he's so pathetic ROFLMAO! (Thanks Rajat for introducing me to the word 'eccentric' not the geometry term, but meaning '(Person or behaviour) unconventional and slightly strange')

Thus, my blog lives on. Still, I don't know if I would want to talk about some of the more heartfelt bullshit. I think I'll just keep it to angry rants and imposing my view of the world upon thee.

Shutting down this blog.

Hello everyone who bothered to show up here before I shut it down. This is a notice to let you guys know that since I don't feel there's a very good reason to continue writing this 'diary' that everyone has access to and can read without me knowing. A lot of things that are on my mind right now, I need to get out, but I don't think making them public is the best move.

I just don't see who's to gain anything out of wasting their time reading what I have to write here. So go, get a life of your own. (I sound like such a hypocrite saying this) But seriously, do you have any idea how many brain cells you killed just reading these two paragraphs?

After the Circa

Things I do, I do to try and get a strong reaction from people. Nobody has anything to say about my ice skating post, when I went to have sushi or the movie. Most of my dream or death posts. So I have failed with those topics.. I think I am starting to realize what gets certain people to react... Anyways, totally disregarding that for this post, here's something I've been meaning to write for a while now.

Let me explain what got me to impose this IM and social networking fast upon myself.

It was a week ago from now, I was in Toronto for the 'christmas' party at the Circa club on John street. It was 22nd of december. I was there with Sachin, Rajat and Franziska. (Franziska is the swiss chick.) After a beer, a shot of tequila and a shot of whiskey, plus a lot of dancing, we were all kinda tired and were just chilling out on the couch on the side. I was missing Sujata a lot and tried to give her a call. The phone rang and then I got the message that her number is busy. Disappointed and definitely not in a better mood, I went back inside.

After a little while more, we decided to jump that place, and head towards the go station or go someplace quiet where we could rest or maybe sleep till the morning when the train starts running again. So we were at a Tim Horton's. I quietly walked away and called up Sujata again. I didn't have much to say. was just missing her and wanted to hear her voice. But as the conversation progressed, I started speaking, in english, with the canadian accent that's second nature to me and just pops up without even me being aware of it. And suju snapped: "don't talk to me in that accent!" I tried to stick to hindi for the next few minutes and then my calling card ran out of balance.

That was straw one.

We had been sitting there so bored for so long that we guys were just going on and on about whatever topic we could find. And sometimes the conversations bordered on the retarded. I was enjoying meing stupid. Consciously stupid. I wasn't drunk. I was the one who had had the least to drink, and NOBODY was drunk. Then Sachin started to talk about his grandmother cursing him in punjabi. This conversation was straw two. (or maybe the part where Rajat went "Your surname is Gupta? Oh, so you're a Baniya!") I wasn't a part of it, because I barely remember what my grandmother used to say. But Sachin and Rajat went on.. joking about how there was no way I would have heard all that... I don't remember mch because I had retreated into my shell and was thinking...

I remembered meeting Sujata's grandparents, Abhinav's Grandparents, Hearing about Pranav's grandfather, and went through a flashback of my own interaction with my grandparents. I was really sad. But I didn't want to show or talk about any of it. I remembered things like when I was talking to Sujata and Mickey the other day. The quote 'Nobody feels sorry for you' came to mind. I think people just feel sory they have to listen to some stupid 'kid' whine. (Although talking to Sujata about my 'grudge' did seem to help me) And decided I don't want to talk to anybody at all.

And that was the last straw. I decided I won't be on IM for people to contact me. I wasn't going to recharge my India calling card. I planned on spending Christmas alone. (But Sachin called up and came to my place and we ended up making some food, watching kungfu panda together. It was great!)

The reaction that I got when I was not talking to Pranav for the first few days was that he would go around asking my other friends 'where is yash' but if I don't speak to any of those people either, what's he gonna do then? That's stupid, right? What can I say? I'm just a baby.

Rant

Saturday, I had my friend Bilal send me a photo that I clicked in the college. This the painting I blogged about here, and is now hung in the hallway of Sheridan college. When I go to painting class next week, I will make it a point to ask why he decided to put up my painting when there were clearly a lot of other paintings, much superior in the quality of the rendering. Anyways, the photo, I then attached to an email and sent it to the person who inspired it, Pranav.

On Sunday, at 1:56 pm, Pranav sends a reply. Hmm.. that was really prompt. Pardon the caps, BUT JUST WHEN I DON'T EXPECT HIM TO READ AND RESPOND, HE DOES SO, IN RECORD TIME! I didn't even bother reading through it. Ah.. who am I kidding.. I did glance over it once. And like everything else he says, I don't bother to try to make sense of it. All I want is for him to hate me. And I am not going to bother responding to him. My life is awesome without him. Such that now I am looking for ways to never go back to India. Even if I did, I'd never meet him.

There. My rant is over. This was typed at 12:16 am on technically, 3rd of december. I am not going to publish it right away.. I'm going to 'put a pin in it' and let it hang. (You'll get that reference if you have seen Bolt)

Hmm.. coming back to this post, I should first tell you that I did ask the painting teacher about the painting. And he said he thought that painting fit the criteria of the assignment really well. And he had given the people who were putting up the display a couple different paintings and mine is the one that finally got put up. The other day, I was in the kitchen looking outside in the balcony, at my old suitcase that I painted and thought to myself.. hmm.. a rubik's cube is somehow a recurring theme in my artwork.

Also, more words for Pranav. I have now read his stupid email 3 times and have interpreted it in my own way and have a response I'd like to personally drop at him some day. It goes something like this.."Pranav, wake up and realize that I am not what your life is. I am a lost soul, a damaged good, a worthless piece of shit. Your real life is something great. How many times have I told you yo're right? well, You were right... about me. Think back to that conversation we had. And then well... stop saying things like you just said in that email."

Screw it all!

When I was in India, I had a particular way of living. I also had plans of what I'd do when I came back to Canada. But after I came to Canada, my lifestyle changed, and so did my plans. I didn't talk about my plans with anyone because I wasn't sure how much of it would actually materialize. And now that I see it all failing, I sadly admit that that I am abandoning the mission.

To do this post, I tried to make two columns where I post my plans, and my changed plan. I'm not sure how many browsers or display resolutions will be able to support it properly. But it all failed. I can't do it, so Lets just go paragraph by paragraph.

In India, I had very ambitiously hoped, when I came to Canada, I would start using the college gym facilities. A little workout to keep my body active. I also wanted to learn squash. And since there are a couple squash courts in the athletic center, I figured it shouldn't be much of a problem. I really wanted to do more than just sit around all day.

However, it has been almost two weeks now, and I haven't once gone into the college Athletic center. I picked up a notice of someone selling his squash racket but never ended up calling the person. I have, however, been doing some basic shoulder and bisceps exercises with the weights in the gym in the house I live in.

But it's all useless unless I eat properly. And I had something planned on that front as well. I had a really good strategy mapped out to buy and eat more food. Healthy food. I need enough fibre in my diet so that what goes in, goes out faster. I would do things like space out the shopping periods right. Consume the food before it expires. Also, get Protein supplements. With regular food costing anywhere between 5-10 dollars per meal, suddenly, buying supplements doesn't seem so expensive.

But I am loosing weight. I can't cook in this god awful kitchen. My timings are totally haphazard. Somedays, I leave early just to get a ride from Atif. Other days, I get up late because I don't have an alarm. (My cellphone was my only alarm for a long time, and now its battery is dead and the charger won't work.) I don't come back home in the middle of the day because its so far away from the college. And just to sit downstairs with the food while stupid hindi movies and serials are playing on the TV is torture!

In general, I had planned to be happy. But how or why would I be happy? Most people I know here, from last year are in Animation or Illustration programs. So I wouldn't have those friends. Half a world away from Friends and family in India. So I failed my plan again. I am too proud (or scared?) to admit I am sad here.

I had planned to work hard, do well in college, and get into animation. Make them proud. Now I go, who they hell is 'they'? Who really cares? Who really believes in me? I can't continue telling myself that either my 'physical well being' or 'Ambition' is my top priority. Right now, what matters more is for me to be is my mental health. I am on the verge of breaking down. Or maybe I already have. Things my friends say helps.. only holds up the pieces for a short period and then I shatter again.

So, the new plan: Live my life like the 'rich SOB' that I am. Just have fun, enjoy my time here in Canada to the fullest. Screw Ambition, screw animation. I've got to make the most of my time here, live it up! Spend my dad's hard earned money and not give a damn. Not worry a bit. And life will go on.

Even in my sleep he won't stop annoying me.

I dreamt that Pranav came over to my house, in Akola. Not once, but twice on consecutive days. He met my mom, dad and sister. But he would disappear very quickly. I mean he would suddenly leave without saying bye to me.

Ok, lets exit my dream and enter reality. Here's the back story now. I've been telling pranav to come to akola at least once since before I went to canada. Now that i'm back, I was really looking forward to celebrating my birthday at my home after 4 years. And I wished that pranav would come be there too.

So when we were chalking out the plan for the trip, I told them I want to be back in time to go to akola for my birthday. And so we made it such that we get back to pune on the 5th. I can then leave on the 6th or 7th, have my birthday party and come back. But when I ask pranav, he is reluctant. He mentions his classes are starting.. I wouldn't want his education to suffer because of me.

But then I hear him talking to other people and telling them "going back early because of yash, or else I'd have stayed back for 5 or 6 more days." I say, "because of me? What about your class?" He replies back, "i don't care about missing a few classes." I just shook my head in disbelief and kept quiet.

Angry rant again

I just broke the news to my dad. I recieved the revised score, but I didn't make it in. I missed admission by 0.7 which seems small, but I think its huge. He was outside, in a bank, and couldn't talk to him much because there was a lot of noise. I asked him to call me back, and will hopefully talk about returning to Canada.

But the news kinda ruined my day. Wait, it wasn't the news but what happened after I read the email. I guess I was reminded how pissed I am about certain things that were the way they were. Maybe even some things that were happening with me today. Ah, what the fuck! I should just stop beating around the bush and come to the point. I've never been scared about coming to the point and discussing any topic on my blog.


While biking, I said to myself,I had a fight with Pranav. But it wasn't really a fight. All just because I was too much of a chicken to tell him how I really felt and what I was really thinking. Its his nature to start blabbering and voicing his opinions and not caring about what the other person thinks. And because I care too much about what he thinks, I just listened. I should have just grown some balls and said to him,

"you never helped me out when I was working on this thing, all alone. And thus, you are not in a position to beat me up about my portfolio and my drawings. I did my best given the circumstances. I couldn't have told you to pick me over your own studies, but it would have been nice if you cared to ask and look and respond. People have different styles of working, personal preferences. So while you worked all alone, ignoring everyone around you, improving and getting all awesome in the process, I was stuck in a rut, lonely, longing for someone to work with and help me out.

In the end, things did kind of work out, between me and sujata, and she helped me a ton with my drawings and that was one of the happiest working time I can remember. I am so grateful and indebted to sujata, that I would sincerely listen to anything she has to say and humbly follow her each and every advice. Because she was there for me even in the tough times. Unlike you, pranav who just rubs my nose in the pile o shit that I'm already in."

Move along people, nothing to see here.

hello myke,

Thanks so much for your letter. It really made my day. you know its hard, but knowing that people care about me, makes me not want to kill myself anymore...I'm justjoking. -see? I'm in a much better mood already.

That is what I was going to start my reply to myke with. But I didn't want him to get the wrong idea. If he doesn't share the same sense of humor, he'll think I was being a smartass and not taking his sincere letter seriously. But I was really impressed by his letter.

When I found out that my portfolio didn't make the cut off, I was devastated. I felt everyone's gonna look at me like I'm a big failure. But that was just me. After some motivational reading from 'Failing forward', I felt much better. Last wednesday I met myke at the info session, and I told him I didn't make it. I didn't feel anything. After a day of sulking because my parents(mom) didn't take it too well, I was again, back to normal. But, I didn't contact gerard or myke about it. I felt I was on my own and I had to clean up my own mess. Aniruddh bhaiya told me to contact anuj and so I did.

Then out of the blue, I got gerard's email last night. He said he found out from myke that I didn't get in, he was really sorry, and offered to help if I needed him. I was really surprised. In a happy way. Someone's reaching out to me. Someone who's not a friend, or family, but only a professional acquaintance. (I am not sure that sounds right when talking about a teacher...) Today, I got a really heart warming email from myke. He said he enjoyed working with me, and liked my character designs and the energy I put into work and class. *shattering noise* (people who've seen that episode of how I met your mother will know what it means) I had a prejudice that everyone will now see me as a looser, failure, all those bad things. But I guess that was just me. Myke said sheridan is missing out on a high quality student.

And, it wasn't just him. even Kirsten in 3D class today asked me whether I got in, and when I said no, she said "you're such a hard working student, I would have said you're definitely getting in. But again, what would I know" Now, by the last sentence, she was only trying to be politically right, as in, she's not the authority on who gets into animation. But The first part she said really means a lot to me. I talked to her more after a while, and she was being really supportive, saying that there's probably some other nice thing right around the corner. She told me about the time portfolio review people at OCAD snickered at her and told her you're not getting into alberta college with this. And she did get into alberta college.

I wonder why my parents have never told me anything like that. Did they never have to come across such a thing in their life?

Bad morning- rant.

I am SO  pissed right now! I woke up, brushed my teeth, and went downstairs, hoping to have a nice breakfast. But I wasn't destined to have a nice breakfast. I took out the missi roti from the pack, and put it on the pan to heat it up, and just then, I saw that it had a spot of fungus on it.

"Not again!"

I had bought this pack just a couple days ago, and hadn't even opened it yet. I looked at the package for a manufacturing/packaging date, but there was none. 

"FUCK! How could I have been so stupid?"

I should know better than to buy food without looking at the manufacturing date or expiry date! I remember what happened... I hurried in and out of the store that day, because I had gotten a cab and mickey was in the cab waiting for me. Gah! I hate golden grocers and I hate that brand of parathas/rotis. I had to throw the whole thing away. And I am not okay with throwing away food!

I just felt so bad that I had to get it out of my system. Right, now that its over with, I got to get ready for class.

Thinking about the chat with sujata.

Yesterday, I showed some of my classmates my life drawings and the reaction I got was really encouraging. I've never got compliments on my life drawings.. I blame it on the kind of drawing we do in kerry kim's life drawing class. So evee, (who has been accepted into animation before, because she did animation fundies last year) was showing everyone else her portfolio, and her boyfriend started showing his portfolio next, so I was like, "ok, me next!" and I brought out my life drawings, and they flipped through them. I was expecting everyone to point out the flaws and tell me I should be doing something else, or something differently, but evee actually said she liked my gesture, and that I have a nice sense of movement.

Then ryan, who is one of the good students in his class, said he liked how my drawing is all structured and 3d. I really controlled myself there, but every time I think about it, I get a triumphant smile on my face. Ryan wants to get into illustration. even though I don't really know what they are looking for in a portfolio, I believe he should have no problem getting in. I LOVE his painting style. The brushstrokes that he makes give life to his paintings. There is a sense of movement in his painting. I've been trying to do the same thing in my paintings too, but couldn't.

I've been thinking about the chat I had with sujata. I shouldn't depend solely on others. Like ever since I was going to the workshop with oliver, I haven't made it to class in time. And today, I called him up to find out what time he's gonna pick me up, he says 12pm. That's REALLY LATE! So I decided to just go by my old method.

And sometimes, Mickey REALLY pisses me off! Sometimes its little things that I can deal with; Like tonight he was awake using my computer till pretty late. And his noise woke me up at around 2 or 3 am, and I couldn't go back to sleep so I had to tell him to turn off the light. Then he decides its time to sleep and leaves his loud external on. Well for some, this is not even a big deal but he drank my last bottle of crush which I was supposed to take to the workshop! That's what ticked me off! I just think he'd make an awful roommate.

Today when I got to the workshop, turns out we were having animation drawing first, not life drawing like I was hoping for. So all that was for nothing. I started to think I should have just waited for oliver. You see, its also about convenience.. So if oliver shows up, I'll ofcourse take the ride back home with him.

Some good news, and some back news.

My back can't take it anymore! I've been doing more drawing than I've ever done in my life! Every day, by the time I finish life drawing, I have this severe pain at the bottom of my neck and back. Its not really a muscle pain I think... it's the joints. (And now because I used the word joints, this page will be flooded with drug addicts and junkies soon as it starts to show up in google search results for 'buy cheap joints' or something..) So I've been taking Ibuprofen. Yeah, the same thing that is said in the beginning of the song 'Zinda Hoon Main'.

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I remember back when I was in akola, Tauji would always insist sleeping on the floor if he had back troubles. I kinda have had the same experience lately, as I have been sleeping on the floor too. I cuddle up inside a sleeping bag and its like going camping. LOL... joking. Its not NEARLY anything like going camping..But after the nights that I sleep on the floor, my back doesn't get that tired so easily. On the plus side, the room is cleaner because I vacuum the carpet more often. hehe.

I made bhindi again today, but not the kind I always made. I made what mom called 'pyaaz waali bhindi.' Its cut in flower shapped pieces and cooked with onions to give a different flavour. While I was cooking it, Jon came and asked, what is that? I said 'Okra' He said, "Isn't it like, stringy?" I said, Oh, I cut it differently this time. Its a different preparation. I was so stuffed after the dinner that I was getting really sleepy. I didn't even clean up.

As I was sleeping in my nice, cozy, warm bag, I woke up at around 4 in the morning. Damn!! I was feeling kinda thirsty; luckily, I had a jug of cold water in my room . I had some water and tried going back to sleep, but I couldn't. My body was totally weary, but my brain was not. My feet and back were still recovering and my eyes were burning! After waiting for a couple more minutes for the sandman to come my way, I got up, and got to work!

I worked on my second hand drawing and ended up with a pretty good one. The proportions of a couple fingers looked off but I fixed that. If more modifications need to be made, I will just trace over the drawing. Then I started to work on storyboard... And I just want to say, "Drawing storyboard 'large' SUCKS!" Its just not something I'm into. Another good news, my hand sculpture on DA got 6 faves in just one day! yippe!

Sometimes I find happiness in being sad

Just like the weather went from +8 yesterday to -12 this morning, I went from being happy, to not so happy and then being happy again.. I guess.. The title itself is self contradictory. If I am happy, I'm not really being sad am I? But what I meant to say in the title is that when I'm quiet, and alone, and thinking about emotional things things that really influenced me, from way back when, I start feeling happy in the reminiscence of the 'good old days'. Its because I am so devoid of emotions and those moments here that whenever I get the time to just sit and 'think', I feel like I'm teleported to a whole different place. And that's my happy place.

I remember when I was in Pune, when I was younger, I was almost always around things that I was so emotionally attached to. If something happened between me and Arjun bhaiya, if something happened with me and my friends, I always had someone to turn to and talk about. No, more importantly, I didn't hesitate to talk about the kind of things with anyone. Uh... well, ok, even if I did hesitate.. a little... I did end up getting it off my shoulder. Now, I have accepted the fact that I'm gonna have to look after myself. For instance, when I found out pranav's house had been broken into, I didn't immediately pick up the phone and call oliver or Taruna. I figured, they have nothing to do with this. Why bother. This morning, when I woke up at 4 or 5 am, because of the loud noise the wind was making against my window, I didn't go around complaining about it to everyone. I think the me from before last year would have raised hell about it. hehe...

I miss times like when I was going to Mumbai for my visa application and I smsed sujata I was going for the interview, and she messaged me a 'good luck' message that really boosted my confidence. I called up Pranav when I got my package from VFS (I don't remember what it stands for) and I told him to 'wish me luck' before I opened the package while still on the phone with him. Like when my flight got delayed and first thing I did when I found it out was text my friends. I wish I could do the same again. Just run into someone and yell to her/him about how friggin hungry I am right now. Or maybe throw a tantrum about how bad this food tastes. Talk to someone about how anxious I am about whether I will get into animation or not...

I want a CAMERA!!!

I am so stuffed! I just finished my delicious lunch of chapatti, dal, rajmah and aam ka achaar. Vironica made the rajmah and dal for us today-with my help ofcourse. Hehe. I don't mean to brag, but I didn't even need to look up a recipe for dal and It turned out awesome! But rajmah, even though it didn't look right in the beginning, it turned out awesome! except for the slight overdose of cinnamon. After all this, you'd think food should be all that is on my mind. But its not! I can't get the thought of a new digital SLR camera out of my head!

I shouldn't have stopped at futureshop's camera counter and looked at that Canon 400D! That's what caused this whole thing in the first place! Today I asked parents if I could buy one from ebay (or other websites like henrys ) a second hand camera for about 499 CND. I checked amazon USA and they have new one for 519 USD! Right now, I believe buying a camera in USD will be cheaper for me. But they said no. Making all kinds of stupid excuses and reasons. But I don't get it! I didn't even ask for a gift on my birthday! I wish I could at least get a little gift for christmas!

Ah!! who am I kidding. I am not gonna get them to say yes! I could just look at stores and see if I can pay them in installments. Maybe I could just buy one and return it within 30 days just to kinda tease my desire. That's something I can't do if I buy it at boxing day. Exchange or return it. Boxing day sales are usually final sales. Well... Lets see.