Sunday, November 22, 2009

The hardest part is saying goodbye

This post has pieces paragraphs moments from different periods in time. It is not supposed to be linear. Think of it as a Quentin Tarantino movie.


Siddhant is headed back to Mumbai. Even asked me if I wanted him to bring me something back from India.
"Can't think of anything"
Soumitra is also flying back to Bangalore for the break. His arrangements were pretty last minute and his itinerary is very fucked up! Flying from Savannah to New York, 6 hours between the next flight. He has to catch the next flight from NewArk New Jersey. After he lands in Delhi, he has to wait another six hours for his flight to Bangalore. As much as I mock him for this, I would kill to be on the same journey as him.


I'm flying to Columbus Ohio today and then going to Mansfield. Where I will spend the rest of my winter break. With naniji, nanaji, Mamaji and Mausiji—among family. I should be looking forward to the good food, leisure and other comforts of being in a home versus a dorm. But my mind is preoccupied with something.


I called up Naniji first thing in the morning today to let her know the timing of my flight and ask her what I should pack. I wanted to make sure I was only taking what was necessary. I was also intending to be able to bring back as many of my books as possible.


Somewhere in the conversation I must have dropped that my friends are going back to India.
Soumitra is also flying to Bangalore.
Naniji sounded sympathetic when she said "Since all your friends are going So you must be feeling like going too, right?"
Should I lie and pretend to still be as detached and emotionless as I was a month ago; or should I suck it up and admit that saying "NO!" to mom was a mistake?
*Inhale* "Yeah, a little bit." *exhale*
"Don't worry, you can go in the summer. Mausi is coming for thanksgiving. And you'll have fun here."
She always knows the right thing to say.
His arrangements were pretty last minute
"Yeah I know. I'm not too worried. Neil is also going to be there. I will have things to do."


I have only felt this way when I was last flying from India to Canada. I couldn't even eat any of the awesome sushi at Sushi-Go at Heathrow terminal. I let Soumitra and Shekinah go find something to eat for themselves while I sit down on a random bench. They can't make up their minds so they come back and sit down with me. We hang out, crack some jokes. I'm not going to see these guys for about another month. I feel the longer I am with them at the airport the harder saying goodbye will be. So I tell them "I better start going through the security."


But Shekinah won't let me. She wants me to "Say something profound before you leave." I can never come up with anything when put on the spot like this. But I did come up with something. Now, the more i think about it, the less sense it makes. I was thinking about how I can call someone up once these guys left. And I was thinking that I can't tell anyone I was thinking that. 


Sitting at the airport all alone, waiting for my flight to take off, I am trying to put these feelings into words. But I fail. So I pop my sketchbook out and start sketching the image of a figure—myself a few minutes ago in time—the past me, sitting alone in a row of seats, looking at the ceiling… at nothing in particular, just at the general nothingness… the plain white color and the abstract geometric pattern that the architecture makes when looked at from this angle. Before I knew it, I was deeply engrossed in my storyboard. Drawing the face as a simple geometric form with no features except tears streaming down from what are supposed to be eyes.
I would kill to be on the same journey as him.


The weariness and hunger put me to sleep in the flight. I woke up in time for the refreshments. And not long after, the flight landed in Columbus. Getting off the plane was surprisingly quick as I wasn't trapped in the back of the plane. Naniji had gotten my earlier messages and was almost at the airport. Getting my checked bag at the carousel took forever. But as soon as I stepped outside, and felt the not-as-cold-as-i-expected wind in my face and saw Naniji, all was well in the world again. I forgot about all my butterflies and was craving for some food, finally! And Naniji was—as all good nanijis are—ready; with delicious food for me right there in the back seat of the car.


And stupid Soumitra will be flying all that way for something I'm getting right here. The feeling of finally being home.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

The Joys of owning a cellphone

It has been said that Alexander Graham bell the man who invented the telephone found it an intrusion and refused to have a telephone.

Now having an attention span as short as I do, I am all for intrusions and distractions. But I really wanted to own a palm pre a couple months back. However, I could not afford the exorbitant data charges that the cellular providers here charge. So I held off, which was extremely difficult for me. Because once I've made up my mind about buying some fancy new gadget, I have to have it.

So college rolled around. I thought if nothing else, I would be making a statement by not carrying a cellphone. I did have my ipod and skype and college wifi almost everywhere. And I set up a google voice account for people who only really want to contact me via the phone. But it only recorded voice mail. So, I was constantly pressured by many disgruntled peers to get a real cellphone.

But you know, it is all a formality. People I meet ask me for my 'cell number' because it has become an accepted convention. At the risk of sounding too extreme, here is what I have to say to most of ye. "We are not close enough friends for you to need to be able to call me up at 5:30 in the morning and wake me up." Also, I simply do not expect to be called upon in an emergency. There's always my email, IM and facebook for all those other times. I have lived without a cellphone before—in Canada—and I was functioning just as well as I was with a cellphone.

But looking forward to the winter break, I realized I won't always have a wifi connection wherever I am in Mansfield. And it might get really boring without being in touch with the friends I made at SCAD(who incidentally are all flying away to their homelands too) So, Tuesday, after my english class, I went and got myself a sim card from suncoast wireless on Broughton street. Went for the minimum plan because I knew I wasn't going to get many calls and I don't speak a lot on the phone. I gave up on my dream to own a Palm Pre and popped the sim into my old Nokia E60.(Turned three years old in july 2009) I set up google voice, I set up my skype caller ID, and gave out the number to a select few people. And life continued on for me pretty much the same way for the next 24 hours.

What transpired next I could only say was a thumping loud obnoxious welcome to the wireless world of being connected. In these days, I've only ever been called up or texted while I am either studying, cooking or sleeping. WHAT THE FUCK!

Got a call from an unknown number in the middle of making lunch.
*stomach growls*

After lunch, I went to bed to make up for the all nighter I had pulled.
Got a text message asking if I wanted to watch the movie "UP"
"Fuck you, let me sleep I've already seen that movie"
is what I wanted to tell him but the asshole didn't answer his phone.

Next morning, as I am eating my breakfast, I get a message from Tatja on skype.
"What were you doing up at 5:30 in the morning?"
"Got a call from India."
"I wouldn't have picked it up. LOL"
"Yeah, I finally got a phone. Sigh."

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Crazy dreams are back again

Parents called me on skype a while ago to wish me happy Diwali. Out of the blue, they asked me if I wanted to come to India for the Christmas break. Mom already had the ticket prices figured out. But I refused. Mom went on about how this is the one opportunity I have to visit India because there will be other things going on.
" Divya' s exams will be going on, you might want to take courses in the summer..."
I didn't budge. They didn't tell me until a few minutes later that there had been a death in the family.

I had a dream last weekend; about a death in the family... It was Manik tauji. I don't know why it was him. I don't even remember seeing how it happened. But there were definitely some weird circumstances. I saw myself getting ready for his funeral. But something was odd. I was wearing a black suit. As if I was getting ready to go to a Christian funeral.

People wear white clothes to Hindu funerals in India. Even outside India, the close family and the mourners will wear white because of the belief that after death the soul is at peace and free from worldly desires.

So why the black suit? Why was the funeral being held in the western style? I haven't stopped pondering this myself. I am sure that the death was in my family and Most of my family resides in India. But I was clearly in the west. What was the meaning of this? A reference to how I don't intend to return to India again? Or was it a premonition or a warning in disguise?

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Too Easy?

This was not the first time I would be going to the US embassy in Toronto for a visa interview. So naturally, I was prepared: my visa forms were filled out and printed off and I made sure to let people at work know I was not coming in the next day. Finally, I looked up the location of the embassy again and made a mental note of how to get there.Then set my alarm for early next morning and got some sleep. I am rarely so well prepared. It was going to be a piece of cake.
The day was going to go down in history as the best day of my life while simultaneously being the worst. Did I mention I am never well prepared? I was giving one last check to my paperwork before I left and realized that I had missed one document. Since mine was an F-1 Visa, I was required to pay an additional fee through SEVIS website which wasn’t required last time. And since I had neglected to go over the papers sent from SCAD, I was blissfully unaware of it until then!
I figured I’d pay the SEVIS fee now and leave, then just get a printout from Staples. However, when I tried to make the payment, I realized that my credit card didn’t have enough balance on it. “Oh, I will just transfer some money over from my checking,” I said to myself. But even the checking account didn’t have enough funds. I started freaking out! I only had about 3 hours before the appointment. Just commuting to downtown Toronto was going to take about 2 hours! I could not miss this visa appointment because I failed to make a payment! I also wouldn’t have told anyone that I made such a blunder. So I devised a plan.
I would run to the nearest TD bank and use my “traveler’s ATM card” to withdraw money that I needed for these payments. And after depositing it to my checking and visa accounts, I’d have to run back home and make the payment online.
“Ah, if only I could ask someone to make the payment from their computer and email me the receipt, I could directly head downtown.”
“No, I cannot tell anybody that I goofed up! It’s too embarrassing.” I argued with myself. All that, if done within an hour, still gave me only 2 hours to scramble to the embassy downtown.
I ran to the bank about a kilometer from my building, used my card to withdraw cash from the ATM and walked in to the bank. I didn’t have a watch or a cell phone with me because they do not allow people to take any electronics inside the embassy. I estimated that it had been 15 minutes. I frantically scanned the walls inside the bank. I was looking for a clock; somebody else might have suspected I was checking for security cameras. Not long after, it was my turn.
“Hello, how are you doing?” She asked with a smile.
“I’m fine, thank you.” I replied back politely.
“Do you know about our new offer…” she started
I do not like speaking over people or interrupting. But at that moment, every second seemed like a minute, it was like she was talking to me in slow motion and I just had to...
“No thank you! I do not have time for this! I need to deposit some cash to my checking and visa” I snarled.
“Okay,” She timidly backed off and co-operated with me.
“How soon can I use my visa again?” I asked politely.
“Immediately. Anything else?”
“Yes, I need $130 in US dollars” I said with a smile on my face. Isn’t it awesome when things simply work?
“Okay, let me check.” She went to the back and checked if they had enough american bills.
“Thank you” I said. But to me she might as well have been an ATM machine.
After the transaction was completed as planned, before I left, I now got softer and said,
“Excuse me; I wanted to ask you one more thing.”
“I thought you didn’t have time.” She taunted me back. I still think about it and laugh at how she grabbed the opportunity to get back at me!
“I just wanted to know what time it was.”
Running back to the apartment again, took me about 15 minutes as well. I immediately made the payment, saved the e-receipt to my USB key and ran out the door. The bus stops going both ways were just a stone’s throw from the apartment. I dashed to the bus stop hoping that I didn’t just miss one.
One bus and two subway trains later, I was downtown. I didn’t have an exact idea of the time. I just feared the worst. I had another list of errands to run before I could go to the embassy. I had to get a ‘recent passport size photo against a white background’, pay the visa application fees at a Scotiabank bank branch and get the printout of the SEVIS receipt and an envelope from Staples.
I went to the Staples first because I had been there last time and I knew where it was. I Purchased the envelope and got the printouts then asked her if she knew any place nearby where I could get my photo taken. She showed me a list of photo studios around downtown and their addresses. But she did not let me use the computer right there to google-map it. “What a bitch!” I thought. I definitely wasn’t my usual self. I had gotten extremely jumpy, touchy and irritable. I stomped out of the store.
I went to the Scotiabank branch on Queen street and resumed my scanning of the walls. “I must know what time it is!” After what seemed like an eternity, it was finally my turn! The teller didn’t slack; I wouldn’t have let him! I then went on my quest to find the photo studio. In the panic, I almost drove myself nuts thinking “I have been around here a hundred times before; Why can’t I find these places now that I really need them?”
I tried the photo booth in Eaton Center. But I did not have the right coins. It needed toonies while I only had quarters and loonies. Never before had I hated the convenience of being able to carry $2 coins in your pocket. I kicked the stupid photo booth, shook my fist and went to the Blacks photo store. Another customer was getting his photo taken in a corner. “This is going to take a while!” I thought and walked to the counter.
“Hello, how are you?” The guy asked as if he had all the time in the world.
“I need passport photo for US visa.” I said cutting to the chase.
“okay, that’ll be $15. Wait here for your turn.”
I got my picture taken by an amateur who was probably just out of high school. He was using a D40 with the on-camera flash! Having worked with a great photographer at my internship and learning as much as I did about portrait photography and the use of flash, I was appalled at how ridiculous this setup was. “And I’m paying $15 for this?!!” I was outraged! But there was nothing I could do.
I browsed around the store while I waited. I thought “I should have gotten my picture taken first, and then gone out to do my other tasks; while they printed on their Stone Age printers that take a century for a tiny 2x2 print!” There was just no end to my miseries and my ranting! Numerous “Almost done.” And “he’ll be right out with it” later, I finally had my photos in my hand! I look at the clock; it had been 20 minutes since I walked in. They lied about the 15 minutes!
It was already 5 minutes past the given time. However, I remembered from the last time that they start letting people in at the given time, and depending on the number of people and how slow the security is… well, in a nutshell, I was confident I was still going to get inside. Whether I was going to get a visa? I was not so sure.
I started seeing bad signs as soon as I walked through the security. There was an Asian girl standing in front of me talking to the staff. She just wanted to go to the states to attend a wedding but the form she had, said student visa. He asked her if she has the I-20 form. She was clueless. He explained to her the situation and that she is going to have to reschedule. She said she had already booked the tickets. But that didn’t matter to the officer. She started crying. My heart sank.
When he was looking over my forms, I struck up a conversation, asked him if he was new. Yes, he was in training. I asked, “How many people come in on an average day, did the number fluctuate in winter or summer?” making small talk with him. It helped me relax a little. I had all the required papers; he let me in. I overheard an older couple mentioning that they don’t have photos, they were directed to the photo booth. If only I had known! I could have saved $10 and time and energy by just directly coming here!
The room was more crowded than the last time I was here; January the day of President Obama’s swearing in ceremony. I sat there overhearing people’s conversations, the questions the interviewers were asking the applicants, the news on the tv… I remember the first time it was broadcasting Obama’s ceremony. This time, I don’t remember. All I remember is seeing the faces of the people who had been denied. I thought I might get denied too. But I feared to think What if I get denied.
I kept telling myself “You aced it last time. You’re going to do it again!” I thought back to the mock job interviews that were conducted and recorded at my internship at Bell Mobility, Canada. I was pointed out what I shouldn’t do and how I can improve my interviewee skills. One of the pointers was that my volume went down as my confidence in the answer went down and I would start to kinda mumble.
All I needed was some pep talk. And since nobody else was going to give it to me, I thought to myself, “My English is awesome, I am dressed well, I have an amazing background, they want me to come study there!” And by the time my name was called, I was so confident that I swore I am not walking out of here without a visa or without a fight! In retrospect, picking a fight is probably not the thought you should have in your head when you go for a visa interview.
I walked over, stood straight at a distance from the window. Didn’t lean in, didn’t crane my neck forward, did not put my hands on the counter.
“What are you going to be studying?”
“Animation.”
“It’s an expensive school, who’s paying for this?”
“My father” I handed him the financial papers. I remembered how after my mock job interview I was told to not just give one word answers and explain yourself.
“what does he do? Does he make enough money?”
“He’s an accountant. They did offer me a scholarship…” I continued…
“Yeah I saw that” He interrupted, obviously not liking my casual conversational tone.
“Do you have a sibling?” He said, still looking at the papers
“Yes, a sister.” I kept it brief as I was a little surprised what this question had to do with anything.
“Where is she?”
“Back in India.”
“Doesn’t she want to study abroad?”
I then understood why he was going into such detail about my family. However, I was getting annoyed at his questions.
“No. She’s very close to the family, she won’t want to leave and go so far away to study.” I replied haughtily.
I guess there was nothing else he could ask. There was no reason for him to deny me. Unlike my friend Natansh who was told he’d have to go back to his home country to apply as he had been in Canada less than 6 months; or another friend of a friend who was told by the embassy in his home country that they cannot override the rejection of the US embassy in Canada; I did not have to hear any excuse.
The interviewer had my papers; he saw that I had been a good student at Sheridan and that I had enough financial backing to support myself while I was studying. I had just gotten myself a very prestigious internship in Toronto and I am confident and determined enough that I will stop at nothing. So he accepted defeat and just said, “Okay your Visa has been approved. You’ll get your passport in the mail.”
I thanked him and walked away. What I really wanted to do was jump up and shout “yippeee!” I was extremely happy. But I had no one to share it with. I didn’t have my cellphone so I couldn’t call and let anyone know. I had to wait till I got back home. All my excitement bundled up inside. As I journeyed back home, I thought I should go back and apologize to that lady at TD bank; I should again thank the lady at Staples for giving me the list of photo places nearby.
I had gotten my visa, great! But the next day, I still had to go to work; finally tell the guys about my visa and my plans to go to SCAD. Not to mention the packing and moving my life from Canada to USA in a few weeks from then. Sure, I now had the confidence of knowing where my life’s going but nothing’s ever that easy. I still wasn’t ready for the new set of problems that awaited me in the months after I stepped out that door with my bags. But one thing was certain: nobody can take this experience away from me.

Sunday, August 09, 2009

Anup nightmare

This was the dream I had on my last night in Canada.. or my FIRST night in USA after that. I tend to forget the exact date. However, it featured my notorious cousin, Anup. You could say he's right up there in the top 5 of the list of my worst enemies! But I simply don't like him.

In this particularly traumatic dream, I see that my 75-205mm tele-zoom lens has been destroyed. The glass completely shattered and left lying around. Like someone left it there on purpose for me to see it. I find out that it's none other than Anup.

I am extremely pissed! In a fit of rage, (that's very unlike me) I am screaming at the top of my lungs, swearing my head off at him, not caring that I'm in our house, around family. I walk angrily towards him and grab him....

Even I was afraid to see what I would do next....

Luckily, I woke up. Albeit cold but sweaty; traumatized..
and the first thing I had to do, was check my tele-zoom lens and make sure it was intact.

Should I be sorry for what I dreamt?

Some dreams are like re-runs. They play a plot in your head that you've already seen before. And depending on whether you liked them last time, or whether you finished it last time or not, you may decide to stick around and 'watch' that dream again. I had a similar dream a few days ago, one of my last nights in Canada.

I don't know why but it felt like I have been a part of this plot before. Either I did not know how it ended or I was just enjoying it a little too much; hence, I stuck around. It ended with somebody getting shot. I, without even thinking about it for a second, 'walked out' of the 'theatre'. Was it my conscience that had just died? How could I not feel anything for a person that had just died? For the person I probably killed? Twice?

Sunday, August 02, 2009

Just sent this off to my coworkers

Hello everyone,

I would like to thank you all for making my time at the PMP one of the best experiences ever. I will never forget all the time I spent amongst you. I consider myself really honored to have been a part of such a wonderful workforce. Such great colleagues.

I will really miss all the little things; like greeting each other in the morning, walking to the other side of the building for a tim hortons breakfast, getting a ride back home, friday outings, and group lunches in the kitchen.. specially the group lunches in the kitchen.

And slowly, as the realization dawns on me that I am flying to the states in two days from now; I start to wish more and more that it wasn't so. That it could last just a little bit longer..

I know it's the long weekend but I want to get up and head back to work tomorrow morning....

I didn't say bye, because I didn't want it to be the end, or the last of it. I specifically stayed away from the I've learnt this, I've learnt that crap.. because I knew if I did that, I would start lying or making things up or fabricating it to try and be politically correct. What I sent off in the letter is pure unadulterated feeling. And I don't know many people who feel the same way about their jobs/position/internship. Thus I consider myself lucky.

I posted this here, also because I didn't end up finding everyone's email address, so just because your address wasn't on the list, doesn't mean I wanted to leave you out.

But there are definitely those who deserve special mention: These were the people who made it that much more special for me.
Michael Fiorillo: Learnt so much about photography from you.
Jimmy Cho: brought a much needed happy and positive attitude in the room when we were at the height of the disrest.(the disrest part is a long story)
Michelle Cortese:But ofcourse for your great sense of humor and comic antics.
George Wu: oh so many reasons... my first interviewee, believe it or not, I learnt a lot of things by working with him. He went so far and beyond in order to help me out...He is one of the few colleagues I can call a friend
Umar Bacchus: the person to always count on, trust with my eyes closed.
Mengyu Ran: like the older sibling you always like to fight with.. because you know it's so much fun!(wow! I never thought I would say that, but I could really think of nothing else!)
Danny Adhim: awesome comic timing, always pushing it, (no pun intended, Danny)bordering on the offensive and inapropriate, still we all enjoy it.
And lastly, Henry Mar: who always got me pumped up every time he walked into the room-be it with a new gadget for us, or a great new idea! He was always inviting me to go do something with my creativity.