Wednesday, December 10, 2008

I don't want to 'live to Die another day'

The other day, with Natansh, I had a really amazing one and a half hour of playing squash. And this is what I thought up then. Just didn't get around to posting it earlier.

I had won 4 of the 6 games that we played. I was on fire that day! Although the fact that Natansh's a fairly new player, does contribute to my victories. Anyways, the exercise was good and I was very tired. We walked back, and I thought to myself, I would happily die playing squash. And it stuck. Eventually, like I always do, I end up overthinking such things in my daydreaming mode. And thus openeth the Pandora's box.

The key here, is I would readily die, if I do so, 'happily'. I would happily die drawing. I would happily die eating. I would happily die cycling. I would happily die out in the cold. See, the concept of dying seems really appealing to me right now. Just for debate's sake, lets think if my grandfather's passing away had anything to do with it. I mean, I definitely wasn't super sad about him passing away or anything. So passing away isn't a big deal. I'm definitely no suicidal. Right after this, and before the picture here, I decided I couldn't die unhappy and sad.
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But there's nothing I'm looking forward to the next day. Therefore if there Was no tomorrow for me, I wouldn't mind it at all. That's what I have always been like.. living in the moment. Thinking of immediate gains before long term benefits. Rather 'acting' with immediate as opposed to long term benefits in mind. And my next act would now be, to go to sleep. Couldn't care less for tomorrow.

More importantly, I don't want to live to see another day, another moment of misery. I don't know why or how, but I will often suddenly get really depressed. In class on a particular monday, I thought about my age for merely a second and I felt this deep remorse for my life thus far. And I am more afraid to see me in that state than to see myself dead. My life was happy, I didn't regret my decisions, and I believed something good is just around the corner. I just don't see that anymore.

BTW, This is not the first time I've discussed dying. Follow the tag 'death'...

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