I don't want to 'live to Die another day'

The other day, with Natansh, I had a really amazing one and a half hour of playing squash. And this is what I thought up then. Just didn't get around to posting it earlier.

I had won 4 of the 6 games that we played. I was on fire that day! Although the fact that Natansh's a fairly new player, does contribute to my victories. Anyways, the exercise was good and I was very tired. We walked back, and I thought to myself, I would happily die playing squash. And it stuck. Eventually, like I always do, I end up overthinking such things in my daydreaming mode. And thus openeth the Pandora's box.

The key here, is I would readily die, if I do so, 'happily'. I would happily die drawing. I would happily die eating. I would happily die cycling. I would happily die out in the cold. See, the concept of dying seems really appealing to me right now. Just for debate's sake, lets think if my grandfather's passing away had anything to do with it. I mean, I definitely wasn't super sad about him passing away or anything. So passing away isn't a big deal. I'm definitely no suicidal. Right after this, and before the picture here, I decided I couldn't die unhappy and sad.
by yashrg

But there's nothing I'm looking forward to the next day. Therefore if there Was no tomorrow for me, I wouldn't mind it at all. That's what I have always been like.. living in the moment. Thinking of immediate gains before long term benefits. Rather 'acting' with immediate as opposed to long term benefits in mind. And my next act would now be, to go to sleep. Couldn't care less for tomorrow.

More importantly, I don't want to live to see another day, another moment of misery. I don't know why or how, but I will often suddenly get really depressed. In class on a particular monday, I thought about my age for merely a second and I felt this deep remorse for my life thus far. And I am more afraid to see me in that state than to see myself dead. My life was happy, I didn't regret my decisions, and I believed something good is just around the corner. I just don't see that anymore.

BTW, This is not the first time I've discussed dying. Follow the tag 'death'...

The Test

So many things I can't see. So many things I can't feel. So many things I refuse to acknowledge. Pretending the cold doesn't really affect me. Acting like I'm warm enough. Not realizing that there's a tear rolling down my cheek.

Huh? What is this cold feeling? Are my eyes wet? Hmm I guess it's really windy today. And I'm already in front of the college building? How long have I been walking? When did I leave my home behind?

Now the doors in front invite me to the warmth inside. Even though I'd much rather be back home, I know I must give this test. With heavier feet I tread to my destination which I do not want anymore.

Posted with LifeCast

Ice Skating Part 1

On December 5th, while I was chatting with Abhinav, he said, "your tweets always do give an impression of you having a lot more fun there" And I started thinking about it. Its just because there are a lot more people following me on twitter, and because its a more active place, that I refrain from posting my dark sad little feelings. This blog however, is more like my secluded, lonely world. It's quiet in here, can you hear the echo?

But well, yesterday, I decided this could change. So here is an entry about the awesome fun I had in Toronto on Saturday.

Natansh had asked me to go to Toronto with him as he wanted to do some shopping. Earlier I wasn't so gung-ho about it. I was worried about the cold weather in Toronto. But I talked to Donnie about maybe catching a movie in Toronto and I decided that I'll go anyways. So I showered, and just as I was putting on my clothes, I got a call from Donnie saying that he was already on the bus and that I had missed it. I hurried and ran out the apartment without drying or combing my hair. I realized that the same bus passes by from behind my apartment after it leaves sheridan college. So I called up Natansh and told him to be there ASAP. Fortunately, this time, he made it.

We met up with Donnie on the bus and went to Toronto together. On the Go train, Natansh was constantly dozing off to sleep. I told Donnie we could quietly move from those seats to the seats on the top floor. And when Natansh wakes up, he'll be surprised to find us gone. As soon as I was walking away, Donnie accidentally woke him up.. or maybe Natansh just woke up by himself. But the whole prank was ruined. It still made for a good laugh. In Toronto, Donnie left for his friend's place to pick up his letter. We decided to walk through the underground PATH. I believe this was my 4th time going through there, and still I was as lost as could be! To make matters worse, a part of it was closed for renovation/repairs of an escalator. In the end, we ended up walking to the Eaton center in the cold.

I took some photos along the way using Natansh's phone. I transferred them to my phone, and tweeted them when I got a wifi connection at the Apple store. The mall was really crowded. Which is not entirely unexpected or surprising thanks to it being a weekend and christmas just 2 weeks away. All that I had seen in hollywood movies about the Christmas shopping season, was proved right. People had gone crazy buying stuff. How could the economy be in a slump with all this money exchanging hands?!

Shopping with Natansh was fun. specially since I could totally egg him on to buy stuff, and he would do it. He wasn't worried about money at all. At Aeropostale, there was this white t-shirt that I would have liked to buy for myself. But Natansh liked it too, and he picked it for himself so I can't buy that t-shirt for myself too. Because then if we both end up wearing the same t-shirt to college on the same day.. we'll be the butt of all kinds of jokes. And with his purchase, he got a teddy bear free. I should have snapped a picture of that too.. but I was looking out for Donnie. He came to Eaton center to meet up with us.

We went to the Apple store, I wanted to check if they had the in-ear headphones in stock. But they weren't available in store yet so I was a little disappointed. Natansh has been thinking of buying an Apple notebook and he was wondering which model he should go for. So I showed him the difference between the MacBook and MacBook Pro models. Donnie wanted to go to Futureshop too, so we headed out that way.

On the street, there was a performer who was dressed as a cowboy and had face paint applied to make him look like a dummy. He stood absolutely still in -17 degree temperature, only moving suddenly at random intervals. There was a Huge crowd gathered there. Firstly, he had me fooled.. I was wondering why are there so many people watching a cowboy mannequin. But as I looked on, he suddenly moved and that's when it hit me. I took a picture of him with Natansh's phone camera.

..wow.. look at the length of this post. I don't think anyone will even read this.. if someone does, and wants to read the rest of my really fun weekend in Toronto, ask me. Till then..

Me playing with vicky?

I have a test tomorrow in philosophy class. I haven't even reviewed any of my notes yet. But I am already too tired and sleepy to bother.I've put on some music on my laptop and just want to update my blog.

This morning, I dreamt that I was back in Akola.. I think. Because I don't really remember any surroundings or environment, objects I interacted with. Only thing that stood out and that I remember is that Vicky and Arjun my nephews were with me. I was playing with them. I don't know what this is supposed to signify or indicate. I didn't even have time to ponder over it as I had to get ready to go to the college. Manish needed his newsprint pad. I got showered, and had a glass of chocolate milk and a banana. Put a muffin in a box and took it to college.

Printmaking class was really interesting and also equally tiring today. I was on my feet for about 4 hours! But I got some really good prints I am really happy with. I think I will put them up soon. Also, the process this class was really interesting since we dealt with color. I wish I had my camera to take pictures of all the activity going on around. It was really a sight to see.

It's harsh's birthday on 4th december, so I wished him at about 8:30 IST. Aso talked to Suraj for a bit. He told me some really funny incident that happened with Harsh. I don't know if I'm at a liberty to disclose that so I guess I will just end this post for now. I will get some shut eye. In the next post, I might add more about what happened today.

Pranav quits smoking

In my blog post, Cycle Dream, I wondered why I had stopped dreaming about friends. It was just a musing, not necessarily a wish for more. But it did remind me of the dream I had after Sachin's birthday party. We got back to Sachin's house slightly less drunk than we were at the party. It was already past 3 am on 19th October I believe. And I slept on the couch if I remember correctly. And I know some of you are going to be curious about this, so lets just get it out of the way first.. no, dreams don't feel any different when you are drunk. LOL

So, first one, was with me and sujata, at a kind of outdoor residential location, which now, I am thinking could have been her farmhouse in the future. LOL. There was some kind of shooting going on in there.. not guns, killing, shooting. but film, cameras, movie, shooting. I was outside, and I could see the crew and everyone through a large opening that could have been a garage door. Anyways, don't want to get into too much detail here, as I have very vague memory of a already very vague dream. Just the way it made me feel, that I was outdoors, in the greenery, with someone was a pleasant thing to remember.

Photo by yashrg
(Yes, the house is above the store.)
The second one was a little more grey. It isn't even about friends, but about my nanaji and the family that lives in Seoni. I dreamt that their house, pictured here, had been remodeled and renovated to something much bigger and more lavish and rich! But the sad part was, Nanaji and Naniji were moved from their room on the 1st floor to a higher floor. Made me really sad. Because in the old age, people shouldn't be made to do a lot of physical work. And they should be closer to the outside world. I wish I could have some say in it. Put my foot down for my grandparents... Anyways. Lets go to the last dream. The one that's the most brief and specific...


I was walking down the street. And I meet Pranav. And by the looks of it, we're meetin after a really long time. Sure we're both excited. But still, not the same spark. But then Pranav tells me some good news. He says "I've finally quit smoking!" I couldn't be happier for him! I really think it's an achievement. And I think we both move on. Or maybe I woke up at the point.


Later that day, I briefly talked to Pranav. This is the chat transcript from that day.. I guess I could have just left it out and had you guess what happened.. it would have been a nice surprise..

pranav: hey

me: hey

pranav: ka haal chaal babua

me: wtf? staying with biharis a lot lately?

pranav: abe teri nahi be ab to teri yaad main jitni ho sake nayi language sikh raha hu, kya pata agli baar yash se baat ho to kis bhasha main bole

me: LOL. you high?

pranav: oye kya bolraha hai

me: why are you not making any sense?

wait.. you never made any sense to me

so this is not ner

*new

pranav: he bhagwan kya hua, itne din mujhse baat nahi ki to main kya bol raha hu tujhe samajh nahi aa raha kya

dhat teri ki

aree tu kaha hai bhai

acha suju se baat kar raha hai kya

me: yes

pranav: wt

me: stop making me switch windows

pranav: ok

Rant

Saturday, I had my friend Bilal send me a photo that I clicked in the college. This the painting I blogged about here, and is now hung in the hallway of Sheridan college. When I go to painting class next week, I will make it a point to ask why he decided to put up my painting when there were clearly a lot of other paintings, much superior in the quality of the rendering. Anyways, the photo, I then attached to an email and sent it to the person who inspired it, Pranav.

On Sunday, at 1:56 pm, Pranav sends a reply. Hmm.. that was really prompt. Pardon the caps, BUT JUST WHEN I DON'T EXPECT HIM TO READ AND RESPOND, HE DOES SO, IN RECORD TIME! I didn't even bother reading through it. Ah.. who am I kidding.. I did glance over it once. And like everything else he says, I don't bother to try to make sense of it. All I want is for him to hate me. And I am not going to bother responding to him. My life is awesome without him. Such that now I am looking for ways to never go back to India. Even if I did, I'd never meet him.

There. My rant is over. This was typed at 12:16 am on technically, 3rd of december. I am not going to publish it right away.. I'm going to 'put a pin in it' and let it hang. (You'll get that reference if you have seen Bolt)

Hmm.. coming back to this post, I should first tell you that I did ask the painting teacher about the painting. And he said he thought that painting fit the criteria of the assignment really well. And he had given the people who were putting up the display a couple different paintings and mine is the one that finally got put up. The other day, I was in the kitchen looking outside in the balcony, at my old suitcase that I painted and thought to myself.. hmm.. a rubik's cube is somehow a recurring theme in my artwork.

Also, more words for Pranav. I have now read his stupid email 3 times and have interpreted it in my own way and have a response I'd like to personally drop at him some day. It goes something like this.."Pranav, wake up and realize that I am not what your life is. I am a lost soul, a damaged good, a worthless piece of shit. Your real life is something great. How many times have I told you yo're right? well, You were right... about me. Think back to that conversation we had. And then well... stop saying things like you just said in that email."

Anoher weekend post

Just one blog post ago, I had blogged about my weekend. And its already time for my second weekend post. Just goes to remind me how infrequently I blog these days. But with the addition of a new follower, Archana, I hope I get more motivation to blog regularly.

Well, this weekend, I planned to go watch the movie, Bolt. It stars John Travolta, Mylie Cyrus, Susie Esman and Mark Walton. If you haven't already seen the trailer, (Like certain friends from India who haven't even heard about the movie before..) go check them out. My favorite characters from the movie, are Bolt, (obviously) and Rhino. The part where Bolt is a little pup is one of my favorite parts of the movie.

But wait, I think we're getting ahead of ourselves. How I actually got around to watch the movie is also a story in itself. Donnie and I had talked about the idea of going to watch the movie on Saturday. But when I called him up on Saturday, by the time we made up our mind and the plan was laid out, it was already too late. you see, we also wanted to have sushi but if we had food first, then movie, we'd not get a bus back. Okaville Transit stops running early on the weekends. So we decided to do it sunday afternoon.

I was feeling pretty tired that day, so I fell asleep after talking to Donnie. I woke up at about 11 pm. I sent a text message to Natansh telling him that we're going to go watch the movie. He said he'll come. I spent next few hours tidying things around the house, killing time with my ipod touch. And at 2:30 am, went back to bed. Sunday, I woke up early enough. Internet was still not working. So I decided to shower, and make myself something to eat. Nicole's mom was in the house, cleaning up the kitchen. I kept my cutting an apple act as mess-less as I could. Even then, the bitch had to come yell at me 'clean up your apple after you're done, yash' And as usual, I just ignored her. I say all these things about her, but its actually kinda nice having her as a roommate for certain reasons.

I called up Sumit and then sujata as I was having my banana, apple in strawberry yoghurt. Good thing I had something to eat at home because we ended up missing our bus and had to wait for nother hour for the next bus. And I would have gotten really hungry by the time we got to the sushi restaurant. Sushi was delicious as always. We got to try out some new dishes. Like Salmon rose. It looked so beautiful. Orange salmon wrapped around the filling in the shape of a rose bud. I wish I could have snapped a picture. And this time, I made sure we tipped so that they don't spit in our food the next time we go.

We got to the theater just in time to comfortably buy our theater-snacks and find ourselves good seats. While the theater showed promos of movies I'd already seen trailers for on the apple.com/trailers site, I played with my ipod touch. There's this really cool game called tangram pro which involves placing/arranging triangular shapes to form a particular pattern shown on your screen. I'm sure you've played that kind of puzzles when you were little. Indeed I put it away as soon as the movie started. Just like a good citizen must. :P

After the movie, we walked back to the bus stop, in freezing rain. We could hear little ice droplets hitting the ground, the cars in the parking lot, etc. and making a really unusual and loud noise. It felt like -9 outside and to make matters worse, I wasn't wearing my gloves. And since we had gotten wet, the Strong wind made it much, much worse. Waiting for the bus was an ordeal in itself. But I was super glad to be back home again!