Just when I was about to pack my bags

I was thinking I should start putting my books away in the suitcase. I was also on British airways website today, trying to figure out the excess baggage allowance. Then I called up their 1-800 number to ask about carrying canvases. Well, unfortunately, they don't have any provisions for carrying canvases. They will allow bikes and other sporting goods for free, but not one canvas. Sucks! I'm gonna have to think what I'll do about my self portrait now.

But, then aniruddh bhaiya came online, and he tells me, how about staying back for another month and see how your appeal goes.
"WHAT?!!"
He said, "the break is 4 months long, stay back for ONE month."
I told him "I already have a non refundable ticket and I haven't payed the landlord to live past 20th. And my parents say I'll be living in India now.. so its not a 4 month break!"
"do u wanna live there and study there?"
"Yes, I want to study here."
"then nothing else matters"
"mom is already telling me to bring back all my stuff, sell the stuff i can't bring back, close my bank account..."
"WHAT? WHY? Did she give an explanation?"

...They don't need more explanation than 'I did not get into animation' so there's no point talking about that part of the conversation. However, he said I could stay at anuj's place for a month, or he could find places to put me up for a month..

So, moral of the story, I did not get to packing... but its not certain that I'm staying either.

Get over it already!

Its supposed to sound Confident and professional. Your's sounds pathetic!

That's what Aniruddh bhaiya said about my appeal letter. So I have to do it again, and sit with him editing it. He's coming back online in the morning. But I am too tired to be awake right now and do it. So I will set an alarm and wake up early tomorrow morning.

another "I didn't get into animation" post...BOO FREAKIN HOO!

Yesterday, me, Sujata, and Pranav initiated a fun, friendly three way conference on skype. We were having so much fun, that I decided to record the chat. We talked about the email that Myke sent me, and I was making fun of pranav because his microphone wasn't working. So he had to type or be quiet while both of us were talking away. And at a point he got pissed, sent me message 'teri to' and 'tujhe bhi dekh lunga' to sujata.

And I guess if one has enough motivation, he can do anything. Because pranav finally got his mic working. He said he had plugged it in the wrong place. I didn't expect him to do such a stupid thing. LOL. Anyways, then we really got talking! It was so much fun. I found out even Mohini was there. She didn't talk much tho. I guess she was busy with something. I continued to tell them about my plans.

I had talked to dad and he said he was the only one coming to pick me up in mumbai. Well, that was a bummer. I remember when Aniruddh bhaiya came to India, everyone was super excited to meet him and wanted to go to the airport to receive him. And I was expecting at least my mom and sister to be there to welcome me. That's when pranav said something that I still can't get out of my head. The entire recording is here. I don't want to quote him on this.

Back when I was working on my portfolio, I would always think about what its gonna be like if I go to India having not gotten into animation? My analogy, I would be like a soldier returning to the country after loosing a battle. The shame and humiliation that I didn't die for my country, while others did. And I let those martyrs down. I couldn't win it for them. But I am 'winning' admission into the college, and the sacrifice is the good times I could have had with my best friends, not my parents... my parents always believed I was good for nothing. The person who mattered the most was pranav. Is there any wonder why he's the last of all the people to know I didn't get in?

I thought I couldn't possibly face him if I return to India as a reject. He was the one who (explicitly) had high hopes of me. And for all the times he's stood up for me, this is what I am going to give in return? He would be very disappointed in me, and I wondered what turn our friendship would take.

"I could have spent the same time being there to support him through the hard times he had to go through. He wouldn't be alone so much, he'd have someone to go to the movies with..." I thought.

But I cannot turn back time. I cannot undo anything. And I cannot erase what is there now. This also applies to pranav. I cannot stop thinking about what he said and its not going to be easy living with that. I feel the life fleeting from within me.

Move along people, nothing to see here.

hello myke,

Thanks so much for your letter. It really made my day. you know its hard, but knowing that people care about me, makes me not want to kill myself anymore...I'm justjoking. -see? I'm in a much better mood already.

That is what I was going to start my reply to myke with. But I didn't want him to get the wrong idea. If he doesn't share the same sense of humor, he'll think I was being a smartass and not taking his sincere letter seriously. But I was really impressed by his letter.

When I found out that my portfolio didn't make the cut off, I was devastated. I felt everyone's gonna look at me like I'm a big failure. But that was just me. After some motivational reading from 'Failing forward', I felt much better. Last wednesday I met myke at the info session, and I told him I didn't make it. I didn't feel anything. After a day of sulking because my parents(mom) didn't take it too well, I was again, back to normal. But, I didn't contact gerard or myke about it. I felt I was on my own and I had to clean up my own mess. Aniruddh bhaiya told me to contact anuj and so I did.

Then out of the blue, I got gerard's email last night. He said he found out from myke that I didn't get in, he was really sorry, and offered to help if I needed him. I was really surprised. In a happy way. Someone's reaching out to me. Someone who's not a friend, or family, but only a professional acquaintance. (I am not sure that sounds right when talking about a teacher...) Today, I got a really heart warming email from myke. He said he enjoyed working with me, and liked my character designs and the energy I put into work and class. *shattering noise* (people who've seen that episode of how I met your mother will know what it means) I had a prejudice that everyone will now see me as a looser, failure, all those bad things. But I guess that was just me. Myke said sheridan is missing out on a high quality student.

And, it wasn't just him. even Kirsten in 3D class today asked me whether I got in, and when I said no, she said "you're such a hard working student, I would have said you're definitely getting in. But again, what would I know" Now, by the last sentence, she was only trying to be politically right, as in, she's not the authority on who gets into animation. But The first part she said really means a lot to me. I talked to her more after a while, and she was being really supportive, saying that there's probably some other nice thing right around the corner. She told me about the time portfolio review people at OCAD snickered at her and told her you're not getting into alberta college with this. And she did get into alberta college.

I wonder why my parents have never told me anything like that. Did they never have to come across such a thing in their life?

Not accepted into animation, YET.

Yesterday, after talking to my parents and sujata, I was feeling so bad, I didn't want to go out and show anyone my face. I figured I should involve myself in something. Something that will give me instant gratification. Since sex was out of the question, (seeing as to how I don't have a girlfriend, and I refuse to ..you know.. pay for sex...) I picked up a different project. I decided to try and use my cellphone as a remote for my camera. And I spent almost all day on that. And my last blog post was a journal of the whole process.

But in the end, I was excited. I went downstairs, and brought up nick. I showed him why he couldn't use my cellphone today. (His phone's undergoing repairs) We joked and talked about the serious stuff, but this time I was ok. I was ok telling everyone that I didn't get into animation except my parents. Because I feared the aftermath. Last time I didn't quite live upto their expectations, was 12th grade. I still remember how the whole thing went down. Right in the middle of our vacation in mumbai. The look on my dad's face. The disbelief in my mom's eyes. We were in a cab, and still my dad didn't hesitate to yell at me. It was one of the worst days of my life.

A few days ago, when I was talking to mom, I could tell she was anxious about the result. But she reassured me by saying "jo hoga, hoga. tune apni poori koshish kiya na." I can't remember when anyone said something like that to me. Everyone always saw me as being the slacker. I was told things like "you'll regret not studying harder." or "I never saw you studying. you NEVER STUDY!" I always got the rap for being a lazy, distracted and vain kid. But yesterday when I told mom I didn't get in, she didn't do that. I could tell she was upset but she didn't sound at all angry. We talked briefly about the things to do now. I even told her I spent $560 dollars on a camera, and she didn't tell me I was extravagant or spendthrift.

The conversation with sujata was a whole another deal. I wanted to know how she felt about not getting into NID and studying in the creative I college. And perhaps, what I feel now, (I will forever regret not getting into sheridan animation) will change in the future, for the better. I will give my parents the chance to read "Failing forward" Might even put up some of my favourite quotes on my wall or notice board. meh. Whatever!

There are signs

Continued from the post "Not accepted into animation, yet"

It may sound or appear like I am taking this well. And I like to think so too. But last night I realized I had kinda lost it, for one whole day. See, when I first found out that my portfolio didn't make it to the cutoff, I came back home, started drawing, and then mickey called....Or did I call him up? That's not important. We decided to go catch a movie. Because what mickey said was "you should say, I'm gonna give myself one hour to feel sorry for myself. Then I'm gonna stop sulking.." Lat night, I realized that I had not talked to people for the most of the day. And I said, ok, I've sulked for a day, and now I am going to go downstairs and get something to drink or eat.

I went downstairs, talked to jon and steph. I had a couple wings and I made myself a glass of milk. I came back upstairs then went to bed a while later. I was really tired. Don't know how. I hadn't done any physically draining activity. I also hadn't had any lunch! My food habits have been rather erratic for the last couple of days. This morning I realize I've lost some weight.

I don't want to land in India looking skinny. Because if they see me skinny, my whole story of "I haven't lost any weight in canada." will look false. So I tried to eat more today. I had some grapes/assorted fruits, a sandwich and half a pizza all day. I was feeling hungry earlier, and I went down to get some milk. And realized there were lumps in the milk. My calculations prove that I didn't even finish half of the two liter milk carton in about 2+weeks. I had to throw that out. My juice seems to have some fibrous stuff forming in it... I'm still drinking it tho. It can't possibly kill me. Cream cheese has started smelling funny too. Will throw it out whenever I feel like it.

This makes me think what was my repression from food was for. like people who eat a lot under stress, do I skip food when I'm stressed?

"But I don't think I'm stressed."
"Oh really? What's with the grinding teeth then?"
"I don't grind my teeth. The toothache is just....candy!"
"halloween was over 5 months ago stupid."

Ok, I admit I've been grinding on my teeth involuntarily as of late. But I stop it as soon as I realize that I'm doing it. (But the tooth and jaw ache just won't go away)....
...

whoa. I just blanked out. I guess I'll just publish it now.

Nokia E60 is irRemote for nikon D40

There's this application called irRemote for nokia phones that lets you use your cellphone as a universal remote. Only, Its a paid program and I didn't want to pay. I like to steal.

To install the app on my cellphone for free, I first need to override all permissions on my nokia E60. I want to keep things brief so I won't go into they why's of every step here. but if you have a question, feel free to ask.

So I downloaded a symbian application that's called TRK. If anyone needs the download links, ask me personally. I ran that software on the phone. TRK, when launched, searches available bluetooth devices and finds my macbook pro. But I don't want to connect via bluetooth. So I cancel that, go to settings and change connection to USB. Then leave the port number to 1. The configuration is now done.

Now that TRK is set up, I transfer hellocarbide.sis to my phone and install that. I also need to put a .exe file in the C directory. So I connect the phone to my macbook pro in data transfer mode, and put the file in the E directory. Then I install X-plore so that I can move the file from the memory card to the phone memory. After Hellocarbide.exe is successfully moved, its time to actually override the permissions.

I removed the cable and re-Connected it to my macbook pro, in PC Suite mode. In vmware, I was running windows xp lite. I click the little USB icon and then click connect my phone. I had already installed python 2.5 and PYserial. I open the Hack_Perms file using notepad and edit the place where it says ser = serial.serial( ) and add which in my case is 2. and save it.

On the phone, launch TRK and just select options>connect. Now on my mobile screen I get,

Status: Connected
PDD: NONE
LDD: EUSBC
CSY: ECACM
Port Number: 1
Baud rate: 115200

Oh yeah, I think I also installed activepython. Just to be safe. Then I just double click the .py file, the console/command prompt pops up, its python.exe and it runs some script, and boom! I can now access the system folders on my E60.

Right now, the permissions are temporary. I need to go in and replace some sys files in C:/ to make this permanent so that even after restarting my phone, I can still access the private folders. But, I don't have permission to write in them. So I had to run the thing again. This time, I unplugged really carefully.
Then I had to install the capsON and capsOFF tools with which I can change the permissions on the fly at any time.

Then I installed signsis by leftup. This is what will help me sign unsigned .sis files. Now to transfer the sis files I will need to install irRemote. First I execute irRemote setup. It also installs a DRMcommonsolutions component. But I will install the signed one and replace the version installed earlier, which is actually a higher version. First, it said the file was corrupted, so I deleted it and transferred the file from my computer again. While installing, it said some applications need to be closed and I pressed ok.

Now to open SignSis to sign the 'crack' file. I made the file available on my memory card, then selected it in SignSis. then options>selfsign. It creates a new, signed app in the same location, and the extention is .sisx

I kept my fingers crossed the while I was running the new .sisx file. Everything went smoothly. Now to test irRemote! I opened it, went to licences, and it says unlimited license! yay!
But there's one more step before I can use it to control my digital camera. I have to transfer the D40 device profile to my phone.

And although the D40 profile didn't open, I got the remote to work with the nikon D70 profile, and IR mode set to 6. I was also making a video of this when imovie crashed. So for photoproof, you can keep an eye on my flickr page.