Thursday, October 04, 2007

Guess who's back?

When I last talked to Pranav, I asked him to go to my blog entry about food, and see what a disaster I had while cooking chicken curry. I just wanted to hear him laugh at my 'bad' luck and the antics. But he again proceeded to tell me that he doesn't read people's blogs. I assume, this is because he feels that blogs are a personal journal, which they're not; in most cases. For instance, the blogs of artists like stephen silver and david colman and Steven E Gordon that I mentioned to him. (Giggle) And yeah, I made it a point to emphasize on blog when I told him about them. Even my blog, is more 'creative humorous writing' than a journal. (Well then I'm SORRRRRRY you don't find my writing funny, Mister "I don't like sarcasm")

Or perhaps he's just had a bad experience. Like the time when I made a really impulsive post about ....well... you might as well go ahead and read it...

Yesterday I had planned to go to a movie - 'The Breakup' (Little did I know this was gonna be my breakup with some of my friends) with suju and pranav.But suju had to bail out at the last moment because of ganpati games in her society.

"No big deal I guess, this is just going to be like the previous times when there was only me and pranav."

We rode our bikes to inox first and found out the next show was at 11 pm!
"A little too late!", we agreed and went to 'E square' for the 9:15 show. We had some mix up on the way there, so i couldn't get done the tasks I was planning to do; Get the broken rear indicator on the bike fixed. (Yeah, if I'd done that, arjun bhaiya wouldn't have gotten the chance to freak out at me about how 'I never take care of the bike!') Anyways, we both met up at E square again, took our tickets and went upstairs to browse through books and cds at crosswords. (That's Indian equivalent of chapters) In there, he told me something that's supposed to be private but as you know, my big mouth and small brain are a recipe for disaster. I said it out as a joke to another friend. (Still holds the record for the biggest mistake I ever made!)
Pranav was obviously offended by this.. I never wished to offend him! That's my biggest blunder in a while. I know I cant undo it like on a computer, (Can I get any geekier?) but I could try to make it up to him. But I didn't have a clue how I'd do that either. I just let Pranav speak; therefore, he did! It was all the same - He still poured his heart out and told me everything like nothing ever happened a few minutes ago. (And he's still the same)

He shared some insights about some of my friends.. (Sahil Sahil SAHIL! I'm not scared of anyone anymore!)I could never have imagined that right now one of the things that he was going to say to me, would change my life for ever. Atleast a little. That one thing he said was that 'not all my friends like being with me'. He told me that our group isn't one group its 3 groups. I was really shocked after listening to all this. Now the thing going on in my head was
"Sure, he told me who from the group doesn't like to be with me and who he doesn't like to be with[much] but he didn't tell me what he felt about me!"

I was thinking, what if he doesn't REALLY like to be with me! (Nuh Uh! Now I know him better and can say that he'd have said it if he didn't like being with me) What if he's doing this for the sake of it. What if during my absence when I'm going to Akola, he totally forgets or ditches me. (It sounds so stupid today! that was just for a few days! Now I'm thinking how did I ever make up my mind to leave for canada and not see him for the next one year almost!) I didn't have the nerve to ask him that myself..let me just wait and see what happens. I couldn't sleep all night thinking how I'm gonna face 'him' now and should i start getting used to not being with pranav already..
This just goes to show how unprepared I was to have that conversation with him. He shouldn't have told me about the others..even if he thought it was for my own good, my tiny little heart couldn't bear being in so much pain..and i still haven't recovered from its effects thats why I'm posting this entry..

Ok, I really tried to just let it be the way it is... But I couldn't control it anymore, and I went ahead and annotated it with my usual comments and knick knacks, I hope they didn't bother you much.

Now, after the blog was written and everything was off my mind, Suju ended up reading it. I had sent an email to sujata about something, and as with all my emails, my blog links in my signature got the better of her curiosity. And for heavens-knows-what reason, she said I should remove it because Pranav might be offended. Well, as of today, I wouldn't remove any post for whatever reason, but back then, I REALLY cared, and maybe cared TOO MUCH about what my best friend pranav thought of it.(Well now I know he won't read it unless I tell him to, so I'm safe...LOL) So I asked him to go read it and tell me if its ok. And he went to a cafe, printed it out, read it at his house, and immediately called me to tell me to take it down.

I guess I could only thing of one thing about/in the post that could have made him 'want to hit me' (And he is a HARD hitter! I would never want to get on his bad side!) was that I thought and kinda projected out that he'd 'betray' me, or leave me, which couldn't be further from the truth. He's a really cool friend. And I look up to him, and want to be like him. (By the way, oliver, the reason why your post made me feel like writing this was because I wanted you to think about whether you are comfortable with 'someone' reading about 'some things' you've said on your blog. LOL look at me being all sneaky and secretive and everything... hehe...)

But maybe pranav was just going "I knew I shouldn't have said those things to that dumb rat!" or "You could have told me to stop!" I don't know. But I am not sure what the 'point' of this post is... Maybe while oliver's post (which I am not going to link unless I know from him that he's comfortable publicizing his blog.) is about his motivation, his goal, his path and a crazy dream; mine is about how my feelings get the best of me. And they always will... like when you said "don't worry if I don't respond at my computer sometimes it usually means I'm not there"; I said yeah, I know, but a part of me still wilts and dies; However, I'm not as quick to respond with a melodramatic blog post about it anymore. ;)

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